Fair and Balanced?

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

The past couple of days, I have really been working the phones. It hasn’t been too difficult to find people who are passionate about what they believe are the dangers of antidepressants. I’ve talked to a bunch of them and they are very gracious with sharing their stories. I’m finding that it is completely different when it comes to finding people who will take the other side and voice their opinions in favor of the use and benefits of psychotropic medications. Maybe it’s when I tell them that I’m doing a documentary that scares them - but why? Maybe it’s because people think they are going to get tricked or misrepresented. Considering what I do for a living, I do realize that nothing is ever really fair and balanced when it comes to artistic interpretations (or reporting of the news for that matter) but I legitimately want to hear all arguments and let the viewer make up their own minds on what or who to believe. I’m really hoping that once I make my way through the red tape, I’ll get some answers from the people who are really in a position to shed some light and make a real difference.

Stay tuned…

The London Interviews

During a recent trip to London, I was extremely fortunate to sit down with Dr. Andrew Herxheimer and Charles Medawar.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in London.

Dr. Herxheimer taught clinical pharmacology and therapeutics at London University from 1960 to 1991, and most recently at Charing Cross and Westminster Medical School. He founded the Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin in 1962 and edited it until 1992. He has chaired the International Society of Drug Bulletins and the Health Working Group of Consumers International. Dr. Herxheimer has many times been a consultant to the World Health Organization - providing independent, unbiased, clear and concise information about therapeutic interventions for professionals and the public as well as his observations and experience of the pharmaceutical industry.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in London.

Charles Medawar’s background in consumer protection - he has worked with Ralph Nader in Washington DC, and currently works with the Public Interest Research Centre (PIRC)/Social Audit in the UK – which he helped establish in 1972. PIRC/Social Audit is a non-profit agency specializing in medicines policy, drug safety issues and corporate, governmental and professional accountability.

In speaking with Mr. Medawar, I learned a great deal about policy in the U.K. regarding drug safety and approval. While there are some differences between the U.K. and the U.S. (most important is the U.K.'s acknowledgement of the dangers of SSRIs for children), there are a greater number of similarities. The most striking similarities are the power and influence of the pharmaceutical companies and the glaring inadequacies of the regulators.

Still Kickin'

As most of you know, it’s been about two weeks since I last posted on this blog. It’s not that I haven’t been writing or filming the process – I have – everyday. It just that I haven’t been in a place, emotionally, to publish my thoughts and concerns. A couple of weeks ago, I really started to feel nervous and a little bit paranoid about my situation – especially as I was struggling so intensely with differentiating between withdrawal symptoms and the “real” me. Things seem to be a little better now and I feel like I’ve regained some confidence.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Reno, NV.

Physically, I feel pretty good most days. The electric brain sensations and headache still kick in a lot, but it is usually limited to when I am extremely tired or overworked.

Emotionally, I think I am starting to get better - I know I am slowly getting to know the person I have become. I have to say that after one month of being completely Paxil free, I look back at the experience and see now that some of the more difficult and lingering effects of long-term use of antidepressants are dealing with your own sense of self. To me that is one of the most important and fragile parts of being human.

Over the past few weeks, while I have tried to re-group, the film project has continued to march on. We have about 75 hours of footage with some incredible stories and interviews. The other day, I viewed tapes of myself in the middle of the withdrawal process and I have to say it was difficult. The brain has a way of blocking painful thoughts and dark emotions that allow us to cope. Seeing myself living it on film made me so angry. The way I suffered – the risks that I took – it scares the hell out of me and pisses me off at the same time. I wish I would have been told the truth ten years ago – I wish I would have known what I was in for.

There’s no doubt that the journey has been rough – very rough. And while I am sure that it’s not over, I have to say that it has been quite rewarding in many ways. The people I have met – either through interviews or through correspondence have offered me a wealth of information and support. Their commitment and dedication have made me more driven then ever to share this story.

I will continue to keep writing and posting as I move on to the next chapters of recovery and quest for answers.

A Difficult Night

Once again, the demons of doubt and insecurity have claimed what should have been an enjoyable evening with friends. It was supposed to be a low-key Friday night get-together. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a painful night of me watching the clock and fighting the constant urge to scream and run out of the restaurant.

I hate these feelings. They remind me so much about the way I felt so many years ago before I started taking an antidepressant. The crowded restaurant overwhelmed me. Bodies bumping into each other trying to get by – the sounds of laughter and shouting – the lights, the televisions – it was all just too much.

It’s hard to describe what happens - you basically get consumed by the situation, and that commitment of thought and energy seems to suck any and all self-confidence right out of you. For me, it’s debilitating - especially when I get locked into this mindset. It frustrates me so much that I can’t seem to get over it – and that I can’t hide it. It was obvious (at least to me) that my discomfort was making everyone else uncomfortable.

I feel like I’m at yet another crossroads with this experience. As the numbing ice of the antidepressant begins to indeed melt away, I find myself struggling to cope with the life I had created while under the influence of Paxil. It sounds weird, but during the past ten years, while under the influence of the antidepressant, I created a new identity - my mood, the way I behaved, the way I interacted with other people, the decision I made – everything. And then, all of the sudden, it seems completely foreign. It’s like I’ve entered the body of someone I don’t even know.

This is what makes quitting an antidepressant so difficult – and, I think, why so many people go back to them once they’ve tried to stop. It’s hard. You're not yourself and you feel like crap. All you can think about is feeling better. As I look back, there was a bizarre comfort in being numb. It’s kind of like the saying, "ignorance is bliss". Basically, if you don’t feel – you won’t hurt. But is that truly living?

Straight to the Source

In my quest to find out more about the origins of my depression and anxiety, I decided it was time to talk to an expert – not just any expert, but someone who could answer the really tough questions about my physical and emotional development. Stuff that only a mom would know…

So, the next logical interview was just that – a visit with my mom.


Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

My mom happens to be an elementary school counselor in Missouri and has been for years – so to me, she truly is an expert.

I do have to admit, I was a little nervous about sitting down and sharing all of this information about my life with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, we have a great relationship, but we don’t normally tread through too rough of waters. Our conversations usually sound something like this, “Hi P, how are you doing?” “I’m fine.” “So things are okay?” “Yep.” That’s usually the depth of the conversation. I think as adults, people can get to a point where everything seems to get sugarcoated when they talk to their parents. In my case, I’m not sure what it is – maybe I don’t want her to worry about me. Or actually, maybe I don’t want her to be disappointed in me.

I learned a lot that day talking to my mom – some interesting and embarrassing stuff about me, but more than that, I learned a lot about her. What a great woman – divorced in her 30’s, she basically raised three rambunctious boys, worked her butt off and never once complained or showed any signs of weakness. She was a rock for us – and I never really understood or appreciated how much she suffered for us – I will forever be in her debt.

We talked for a couple of hours and it was great. But as I drove away, all I could think about was how sad it was that our conversation for this film was probably the first time we’ve talked that honestly and intimately in 30 years. It’s amazing how little we really share about ourselves – especially with the people we love.

Teaser Trailer

While Phil has been going through hell, I've been busy working on additions to the Uncomfortably Numb website. Today, we're releasing the teaser trailer for the film. Available in small, medium, large, HD, and iPod format, you may view the teaser at the official site. If you do not already have QuickTime 7 installed, you may get it for free here.


The teaser was filmed by Bob Seabold, composited by Cory Bauer, and scored by Chuck Foster.

In addition to the teaser, we have added a new Submit Art page. In a nutshell, we're looking for artistic interpretation of life under the influence of antidepressants on a personal level. We are hoping to include your entires in the film. Please visit the official site for more information.

The Arc of Recovery

When you’re sick – like really down and out with something like the flu, you can almost always tell when you are starting to feel better. It’s the upside of feeling down – and, although at times you may still feel like you’re dying, it somehow feels good to know that you are, in fact, getting better. What I have began to realize over the past few days is that withdrawal from an antidepressant is nothing like that. Not even close. It tricks you into thinking you are getting better and then it attacks - again and again. During the past week, I have been fooled over and over – believing that today might be the day that I start feeling better. But then it hits me again – like a ton a bricks. The same crap – the head zaps, the agitation, the emotions, everything! At times, it even seems like it is getting worse.

I am still documenting all of my experiences, but I have to tell you, I am getting so tired of complaining. I sound like a broken record. Okay, it sucks – we get it! Now what!?

I really think it’s time for me to find new ways to cope. I need to. My situation is what it is. The hand I’ve been dealt sucks, but it’s all I’ve got to work with – so again, it comes down to choices – do I continue to suffer and complain and wait to get better - or do I do something about my situation?

I think it’s time for me to start exploring new options to deal with this misery - I’m so tired of suffering – it’s exhausting.

Hit the wall

It’s been a little over a week since I have completely stopped taking Paxil - and I feel like I’ve hit the wall. The excitement of venturing into a new world and discovering a new me is completely gone. I am now struggling to figure out who I am – and that seems impossible in my current state. I am emotionally bankrupt. Last week, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions – they weren’t all pleasant, but they were emotions. Today, I sit like a zombie – completely lethargic and uninspired. I don’t think my heart can sink any lower. I say, “my heart” because it really feels like a sadness that attacks your entire spirit. It’s not just my brain sending me mixed messages any more – it’s much more than that – it’s the internal spirit of living that feels damaged.

Not knowing how long I may feel this way is brutal. You want relief, but there are no options. Part of me says it’s time to move on – this is me - and this is as good as it gets – so suck it up and live with it. But another part of me says NO – this can’t be it! This is not me. It’s got to be withdrawal symptoms. After all, a brain that has been manipulated by Paxil for 10 years can’t be expected to behave normally in only six weeks. Can it?

I don’t know, but this phase of withdrawal might be the worst. At least when I first started tapering the doses, I felt alive - borderline insane, but alive. Now, I am just a blob of a human being, void of reason and direction. I have indeed hit the wall – the decision now is, to sit quietly under the shadow of the wall or try to climb over it with every ounce of hope and determination I have.

Emotion Management

As I've watched Phil try to live life without Paxil, I've tried to imagine what he's going through, and why. Big picture, I would say he's a man who has been in an emotional coma for ten years, and removing Paxil from his system has caused his brain to "wake up". Beyond the withdrawal symptoms he's facing, he's also overcome by a flood emotions that didn't exist in his neutral, paxil-enduced world. Now, he has to relearn how to handle emotion. To me, it seems very akin to a boy going through puberty, with extreme emotional highs and lows, who eventually gains control as he ages. Phil's like a nine year old boy all over gain, only with severe headaches, sensitivity to light and sound, and an endless ringing in his ears. So it's more like going through puberty with an endless hangover, and immediately following a nine hour Spinal Tap concert.


Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Here's what I don't understand: If you have a hip-replacement surgery, the hospital puts you through a rehabilitation program with a physical therapist in order to walk again, and to assure you don't damage anything during the healing process; so, where is the rehabilitation program for your brain after regaining the ability to emote? We all know what hurtful acts or words a pubescent teenager is capable of; why does society not recognize the severity of a grown adult going through those same unstable mood swings, especially one who has their own family, business and home to care for?