Numb Documentary Blog

Sneak Preview at The Parkway

2010-12-09T15:21:00.002-06:00

Last night's sneak preview went great! We had a lot of really helpful feedback and comments that will help us in the final stretch to get the film out to the world! Thanks to everyone who attended and everyone who worked so hard to put it all together.

BTW - we have a Facebook page now for the film. Please help us spread the word.

Thanks!

New Website is Up

2010-11-18T18:16:00.001-06:00

The new website is up! Check it out at www.numbdocumentary.com. Let us know what you think...

Numb "Sneak Preview"

2010-11-17T14:16:00.001-06:00

There will be another “sneak preview” NUMB on Wednesday, December 8^th to help raise money for the final stretch of post-production to complete this film. We are really really close but we need your help. Executive producer Melody Gilbert has found a distributor who is interested in representing the film for international broadcast but we need to finish up the editing. Come join us at the Parkway Theater in MInneapolis. The event includes: pre-screening mingling with “Mexican munchies”, screening, silent auction, Q and A, and a ticket to see “Urban Explorers: Into the Darkness, which follows NUMB screening that night. Please tell your friends- we need all the support we can get as we are getting really close to getting this movie out in the world! Ticket info @ www.theparkwaytheater.com

Sneak Preview Recap

2010-04-25T10:38:00.001-05:00

WOW! What an experience! “Numb” had its sneak preview at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Film Festival yesterday and it was amazing. (Thank you to Ryan Oestrich and the rest of the staff at MSPIFF) I can’t believe how many people showed up! I was overwhelmed by the show of support and how well it was received.

Three people from the Twin Cities really stepped up and took my film to the next level – and they deserve a ton of credit! Melody Gilbert (www.frozenfeetfilms.com) is an awesome filmmaker who has produced and directed some amazing work. As the Executive Producer for “Numb” she has worked very hard to make sure the film was “ready.” Even though it was a long process, I now know what it means to have the film ready to go. Thank you Melody. BTW – if you get the chance, I strongly suggest you check out her films!

Our editor, Charlie Gerszewski from Channel Z (www.channelzsucks.com) , is an amazingly talented guy. To take my initial edits - of such a personal story - and bring it to this level was not an easy task. I was very protective of the material in the beginning and I had to learn to trust Charlie. Luckily, Charlie is the perfect editor – understanding, supportive, and most importantly, a great storyteller. Thank you Charlie for signing on and staying with it! Also, thanks to Ace Allgood at Channel Z for committing so much time and effort to the project.

As an amateur musician, the music in the film was very important to me. In the end, I think David Salmela (www.creativeelectricstudios.com) captured exactly what I was feeling at each moment of the film. The funny thing it, I knew from the first day that I met Dave, that he “got it.” Sitting the in theatre yesterday, hearing Dave’s music as a backdrop was the thread that held the whole thing together. Thanks Dave!

Finally, I need to thank all the local guys that I have worked with for so many years that really helped me out when I needed it. Bob, Darren, Mike, Dean, Jeremy, Tom, Cory – and everyone else involved in the project. THANK YOU!

Need to Fill Seats

2010-04-23T08:55:00.002-05:00

Seems that I really dropped the ball on promoting the sneak preview of the film at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival. If you know anyone in the area who would be interested, please spread the word!

http://www.mspfilmfest.org/MMX/content/numb

MSPIFF Film Festival

2010-04-07T12:49:00.002-05:00

After WAY too long, the film is showing at this year's Minneapolis-St. Paul International Film Festival! It will be showing on April 24th at 1:15. Here's a link for more details http://mspfilmfest.org/MMX/content/numb

New website is up.

2009-10-01T11:47:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time and a lot has happened since I started this crazy project. I've recently updated the website and the trailer. More news to come on when and where the movie will be released.

Exciting News!

2007-12-17T14:58:00.000-06:00

Finally, I have some very exciting news - I have finished a full cut of the film! It's been a long, tough road - way more intense than I ever imagined - but I am close to getting the message out there. I've been in the film and video production business for a long time (yikes, almost 20 years) and I have to say, this is one of the most difficult projects I've ever worked on. I think most of that had to do with how personal the struggle was - and how painful it was to watch myself - for hours on end - suffering.

One of the things I'm most excited about - is letting others see and hear some of the great interviews I got from some wonderful people who have worked very hard to raise awareness about the dangers and risks associated with antidepressants. FYI - I hope to have a new movie trailer up on the web site in a couple of days. Other than that, I am going through some final tweaks on the film - and then I hope to find a way to get it in front of as many people as possible (very soon!).

Memories of Washington DC 2006

2007-12-13T12:56:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, I went to Washington DC to attend the Psychopharmacologic Drugs Advisory Committee’s review of data linking antidepressants to a risk of suicide in adults. It was on that day, one year ago, when my eyes were first opened to the blatant corruption and bureaucracy that plagues our system. It was obvious that no one on that panel was there to rock the boat - and that their minds had already been made up long before they stepped foot in that room. It wasn’t about data or new findings – it was all just “going through the motions.” Putting on a show to put our collective minds at ease and to publicly show their devotion to the cartel controlling them – the pharmaceutical industry.

As I look back now, through the haze of 365 days struggling to overcome an excruciating withdrawal from Paxil, I still remember that day in Washington – not just how disappointed I was with the people in power – but how in the midst of all that posturing, I witnessed expressions of love and hope that went beyond words. To see a mother bravely stand up in front of the room full of cold faces and share loving memories about a daughter who fell victim to the dangers of these drugs moved me. She wasn’t there for money or power – or any kind of personal gain – she was there with one purpose in mind…to help others. That, to me, is a true symbol of hope on the anniversary of yet another missed opportunity by our government to inform the public and save lives.

Update on the Film

2007-05-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to believe that it’s been nine months since I started this crazy adventure. We are still working on the film and I am in the process of getting a few more interviews to expand on some of the things I learned along the way. I hope to have the whole thing ready for viewing very soon.

Thanks for the feedback and continued support – while I may not respond to everything, I do read it all - and appreciate it very much.

Phil

State of the Mind.

2007-04-11T12:33:00.001-05:00

I wish I could say that I'm improving and that things are getting back to normal, but unfortunately, that's not the case. While the physical symptoms of withdrawal have started to fade, the reality of living without the crutch of the medication is tough - tougher than I thought it would be. The film project is still in the works, but working and focusing on something so intense and so personal has become very difficult for me. It will happen, I'm just giving it time - after all, my stories not over yet...

On the positive side, this experience has taught me that I don't have all the answers - and that's okay. I just have to roll with the punches more and learn how to better appreciate the good things in life. But perhaps the most important thing that I have learned is that I'm not alone in this struggle.

Thanks for all the support and a special thank you to all of those who have shared their stories with me.

Been a while...

2007-03-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

Time marches on and I wish I could say that I felt great and had a full recovery from my ten years of Paxil use – but, unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have tried to put the documentary project aside for a while in an attempt to regain some normalcy in my life. I was so consumed with everything related to antidepressants that it became overwhelming. I just wanted to be normal again.

So, for the past month or so, I have focused on work and my family and really tried to accept my new reality – and learn to live with it. What I have really struggled with is the inconsistency in the recovery from the drug. One day, I’m fine and the next, I wake up to the same physical symptoms like the ringing in the ears and electrical pulses. It’s a constant reminder of the long-term damage that was done to my mind and body. I am also struggling with an intense lethargic feeling that can hit at anytime, regardless of the amount of rest I have had. I feel like damaged goods – and that makes me angry.

For over six months, I have suffered more than I would wish on even my worst enemy – both physically and psychologically. Not because I have some disease or infection that won’t go away – no, I am suffering because I am trying to STOP a medication. An FDA approved medication that was supposed to help me. What a joke. What I - and so many others are going through - has nothing to do with depression, anxiety or any other disorder. IT IS WITHDRAWAL - PLAIN AND SIMPLE. It is withdrawal from a powerful and highly addictive drug that doesn’t “treat” anything in the first place. It is a drug that simply masks the problems people have – not help them get better.

Someone once told me that if I continue to talk about the dangers of these drugs, that I am jeopardizing the years of advances they have made in breaking down the stigma of depression – and by doing that, I would be keeping people from taking medication that they need. I’m not buying it. Not any more. Too many people are making too much money off of a very vulnerable and fragile group of human beings – and I can’t just sit here and do nothing.

I wish we could just dismiss this whole antidepressant craze as our generation’s “Snake Oil Salesmen” and laugh it off – but we can’t. This is no joke. Too many lives are at stake and too much damage has already been done. The “Snake Oil” they are now selling is filled with venom – and, this miracle drug that they have promised will cure you, may end up to be the very thing that kills you.

It’s good to be back.

The Perfect Storm

2007-01-23T13:27:00.000-06:00

As the days start to blend into weeks – and then into months – I have to say, I may actually be starting to adjust to a life free of antidepressants. Friday will mark three months since I took my last dose of Paxil. While I still have good days and bad days, I have to think (hope) that the worst is behind me.

Would I say that my story has a happy ending? No way. I may feel okay most days – but I know it’s not over. The effects of the withdrawal - and years of taking Paxil - will more than likely remain with me for years to come. I still have sensations of electrical short-circuits in my brain - and my ears still ring like a thousand television sets screaming at me.

I do have to say that I feel lucky to have lived through it (so far!) and to have the ability to tell the story. There are so many people out there – just like me – who need help, who need to talk – and to deal with real issues in their lives. It’s just so unfortunate, and quite frankly, tragic, that the very treatment that we looked to for help, could cause so much pain, suffering and confusion. It’s the ultimate irony – you feel down or anxious so you take a pill to feel better – and in the end, that pill only makes you feel worse - and even intensifies the very issues that caused you to seek help in the first place.

I’m starting to think that antidepressants are like the “perfect storm” – everything came together to create the ultimate moneymaker. You’ve got the perfect consumers – people who desperately want and need help. You’ve got the perfect illness – one that cannot be scientifically proven and is subjectively diagnosed. You’ve got the perfect marketing scheme – huge advertising campaigns in magazines and on television that play directly on the consumer’s fears and desires to get better. And, you’ve got the perfect pushers – government regulators and a professional community that have bought into the whole thing hook, line and sinker. The result of this “perfect storm” is a tremendous amount of power and influence that allows the industry to keep the wave rolling.

It’s intimidating – and a little overwhelming to actually fight the storm and try to get someone to listen - or make a change, or for that matter, tell the truth – but at this point, what other choice do we have?

Making Progress

2007-01-17T16:34:00.000-06:00

I seemed to have cycled through another rough patch in the road to recovery. The past few days I’ve felt pretty good – I’m actually feeling what may be considered, “normal.” My ears aren’t ringing as much and the whoosh in my head has faded. Knowing what the alternative is, I’m trying to take full advantage of the good days and keep reminding myself to enjoy the simple things – like my kids’ laughter.

We’ve started sifting through the hours and hours of footage. It’s hilarious to watch me starting the process back in August – I’m like a giddy kid waiting in line for a ride at Disney World. It’s all energy and anticipation. The sad part is, I know that it all changes pretty quick. Since I haven't seen all the footage yet, I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty difficult to watch - but I have to admit, even though I lived it, I’m still anxious to see what happens next!

Talk to you soon.

A Better Day

2007-01-09T15:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday felt pretty good – finally letting out what was going on. Thanks to everyone who expressed their support and shared advice. Again, much appreciated. Anyway, now that I’m feeling prolific again, I wanted to talk a little bit about the documentary. Other than the physical and mental anguish, the experience has been incredible – I’ve met some amazing people and learned things that I still can’t believe are true (but are!) So far, we have over 100 hours of raw footage. We’ve interviewed experts, doctors, victims and survivors – we’ve talked to people who say antidepressants have saved their lives and people who say antidepressants have ruined their lives. It’s obvious that this is not a clear-cut issue - but something I’m sure we all can agree on is that we don’t have all the facts - and when human lives are at stake, this is not an option. Here are some recent highlights of the project…

Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

While attending the FDA hearings in Washington, I was lucky enough to sit down with noted psychiatrist David Healy. Dr. Healy is the author of a number of books and articles that are critical of the pharmaceutical industry’s influence on medicine and academia. He’s a fascinating guy who really knows what he’s talking about. He’s also not shy about expressing his opinion that SSRIs can lead to suicide. Made for a great interview.

Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

I have to say, interviewing Gwen Olsen, author of the book “Confessions of an Rx Drug Pusher” turned out to be one of the most surprising interviews of the project so far. Gwen spent fifteen years as a sales rep in the pharmaceutical industry working for health care giants such as Johnson & Johnson and Bristol-Myers Squibb. During our interview, she was extremely candid about her experience as a drug rep. Her story really sheds light on how the system works - behind-the-scenes. It also reveals a lot about how drugs, like antidepressants, have become so widely prescribed by medical professionals. Gwen also talked openly about the events that lead to the tragic death of her niece two years ago. It was a powerful interview and one I will not soon forget.

Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Get into a discussion about the chemical imbalance theory with Jonathan Leo and I’m betting you’ll lose every time. Dr. Leo is a professor of anatomy who has written a number of articles exposing the flaws in the chemical imbalance theory as it relates to depression, schizophrenia and ADHD.

Along with the interviews, I am still documenting my own experiences (ad nauseam) as I continue to try to beat this thing and find a healthy and reasonable balance in my life. The plan is to start editing very soon – I would probably have already started, but as I said yesterday, I think my journey is far from over. It’s hard to tell a story when you don’t know how it ends.

Still here...sort a...

2007-01-08T12:01:00.000-06:00

Below are several posts that I have written since around mid-December. Until this weekend, I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk any more about my situation. I seem to be fading in and out of the same feelings I had a month ago and it has been pretty difficult to deal with. Thanks to all those who have continued to comment and send words of support despite my lack of communication - I really appreciate it.

January 6, 2007

2007-01-08T12:00:00.000-06:00

Wow – the fun is really over. Reality has sunk in – big time. Although what I went through a month ago wasn’t fun (in any way) - it was new and, in a way, exciting. I was faced with a challenge and when I started to feel better, I started to think that I was actually winning. For me, even when I was hurting, the excitement of knowing I was making progress drove me to fight. Today, as I drift in and out of the symptoms - AGAIN, I find myself more and more angry with my situation – and discouraged.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

This is why I have not posted in such a long time – I have been writing, but I just felt so down that I didn’t even want to share it with anyone. I feel like I’ve become a complainer – someone who can’t cope. It’s like I failed. I couldn’t beat it like I thought I could.

I don’t know about other people, but when I see a finish line or a light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to work harder to reach it. What I’m feeling now is like a nasty virus that lies dormant for while and then – out of now where – decides to mess with you – physically and mentally. I’ll try to describe what it feels like… First, there is the constant ringing in the ears. My body aches and I feel tired most of the day regardless of how much I slept the night before. When I move my eyes from left to right, I get an electrical sensation in my head – like I can actually hear a short circuit in the neurotransmitters. Usually in the evenings, when I am worn down, I feel an electrical whoosh in my head with any movement. There is not a lot of pain, it’s mostly feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. I feel almost like I have symptoms of the flu – that’s about the closest thing I can think of to compare it to. Your mind says, get up! Do something - but your body says, no.

My fear is that I am going to be subjected to these random symptoms forever. People in my same situation have said that they have experienced the same thing and most of the symptoms go away over time – but I’m afraid of the long-term damage I may have done to my head. Having it return is so discouraging - and the thought of living like this forever is way too much to comprehend or digest. I can’t think about it too much or I start to drift into a place filled with despair instead of hope. I prefer hope. There may not be a definite end in sight but as long as I can hold on to hope, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.

December 31, 2006

2007-01-08T11:59:00.000-06:00

I’m not as frustrated today although the electrical stuff is still going crazy in my brain. The ringing in my ears has also returned with a vengeance. I’m not sure if I just get used to it again. I fear that the anger and rage is just part of the cycle in this experience. I am trying to be optimistic about the New Year - it signals a passing into something new and different – even though it’s just another day – it feels like a fresh start. I’m hoping I can feel better.

December 26, 2006

2007-01-08T11:58:00.000-06:00

I am so angry and agitated today that I can hardly contain myself. My head is bothering me and my body aches. I am to the point where all I want to do is scream. My kids are making me crazy with their constant requests. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it is making me insane and I feel like a horrible parent. I have no patience at all. All I want is to be left alone. I am so consumed right now with anger and frustration that even breathing seems difficult – almost like I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs to keep my body functioning. I am painfully aware of everything negative in my body and around me. I’m not seeing happiness - only inconvenience and annoyance. I try to think about what would help me “snap out of it” or to make me think about something else – but I come up with nothing. It’s the day after Christmas – and I know in my heart how incredibly lucky we are – we have a home, our children are healthy and we are surrounded by friends and relatives. I am lucky – I know I am – but why I can’t think of anything at this very moment that would make me happy. What the hell is going on with me? Could this still be related to the withdrawal of Paxil? Seems unlikely, and sounds like an excuse, but a lot of people have experienced a wide range of symptoms that can come and go for over a year. At first, I must admit, I found that hard to believe, but now, I can’t seem to explain any other way, the negative force I am feeling. The electrical crap going on in my head has to be adding to the frustration. I thought I was in the clear. I thought it was over. How naïve – ten years of manipulating my brain with a chemical and I expect a full recovery in a month. This sucks.

December 22, 2006

2007-01-08T11:57:00.000-06:00

I am fast approaching two months of being completely Paxil-free – it will be on Christmas Day to be exact. Although I have been very busy and suffered from a recent bout with the flu – I’ve felt pretty good over the past few weeks. But recently, I’ve started to feel like I’m fading in and out of depression. Actually, I don’t like to use the term, “depression” because I don’t know what that means. It carries too much extra baggage with it – and too general to apply to what I feel. What happens to me is more of a tilt off axis. I can actually feel myself starting to slide. It’s scary and unfamiliar. I am actively working on trying to balance my moods and emotions with exercise, diet, supplements and other things but I still find myself drifting into the zone. I call it the zone because that’s what it feels like – no energy, no desire – just saddness. It’s not like the numb feeling I had on antidepressants – that feeling was more like blank apathy. This feeling is much more intense. I find myself missing and possibly even craving the way I felt on the drugs. Is that the addictive nature of the medication or the comfort of living under a shield that protects you from the stresses of everyday life?

I’m having trouble focusing on tasks and getting things done. I don’t feel too anxious – just down. I am sleeping a ton but still can’t seem to get enough. Aside from the dips into dark moods, my headaches are gone and I’m generally in a decent mood.

Trip to Washington DC

2006-12-20T16:21:00.000-06:00

Last week, we packed up the gear and headed to Washington for the FDA’s hearings to review the suicidality risks in adults. I’ll have to admit, at first, it was a little intimidating – I mean, this is the real deal – the FDA! So, we show up at the meeting room an hour or so early to get settled in and get the cameras set up – we sign in and were lucky enough to wedge ourselves in between the CNN and ABC News cameras. My heart was pounding – I was about to witness one of the processes that makes our country great. Unfortunately, once the hearings got underway, I was no longer intimidated or in awe. I was just disappointed. I wanted to believe that this type of public debate was going to reveal some kind of truth - or provide answers to some of the issues at hand. It had every opportunity to be a reaffirming moment for me – especially to prove that there is some value and credibility in the way our system works. Sadly, that was not the case. In my opinion, it came off as a show - nothing more than a media event designed to give the FDA a boost in public opinion – which is timely considering that FDA reform is likely just around the corner. It was almost comical watching these public officials posturing for the cameras.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

On the other hand, it was excruciating to watch and listen to the testimonies from the families and relatives who lost loved ones to suicide. It wasn’t excruciating because of the stories – those were brutal and heart wrenching. It was excruciating because of the way the panel of experts and members of the FDA treated them – it was as if they all put up a shield to keep from getting emotional. But why? What’s wrong with getting emotional? I couldn’t understand - why wouldn’t they look at them?

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Why wouldn’t they listen to what these people have to say? It was beyond rude – it was cold-hearted – dismissive. Personally, I had never met these people before, yet as I stood there videotaping them – hearing their stories, I fought back tears. What’s wrong with that? It doesn’t reveal what side of the argument I fall on - its empathy, its caring about others – its being a human being regardless of your political agenda, title or responsibilities.

Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

Everyone who was brave enough to stand up in front of this panel and pour their hearts out has my utmost respect. I assure you that your stories did not fall on deaf ears – and will never be forgotten or dismissed.

Human Pincushion

2006-12-08T15:12:00.000-06:00

Last week I tried acupuncture for the first time. I have to say, at first, I was pretty skeptical – I mean, come on – a guy sticks needles into my skin and I’m going to walk away feeling better? Sounds crazy, but it really works – at least it did for me.

The process was very relaxing – I actually left the office feeling very energized. It probably had something to do with lying perfectly still for twenty minutes (which I rarely do).

In case anyone is wondering, the answer is no, the needles don’t really hurt. I’m not saying you don’t feel them going in – you do, but it’s not what I would call painful - nothing like the sharp pain of getting a vaccination.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

While I did feel an improvement that night and the next day, I’m not sure how long the effects lasted. As a matter of fact, I may have suffered a little kick-back coming off the initial rush. By the third day, I was feeling pretty blue and have struggled to get back on track. Taking the Pilates classes seems to help - but that rush also wears off pretty quickly.

I’m guessing that whatever path I choose, it will take time before I can truly experience the full effects. It’s hard for me not to expect a “quick fix” when I try something new. I’ve been conditioned to think that way…got a problem? Fix it and move on. But this requires more work, more discipline and more focus. It may not be the quick fix I want - but I’m pretty sure it will be the right fix I need.

Teaching an old dog new tricks

2006-12-05T15:25:00.000-06:00

It’s official - I’m old and not very limber.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

To my own surprise, I started Pilates today. I’ve got to say, it’s pretty cool. Granted, I have no idea what I’m doing - but just giving it a try and moving my body felt good. My instructor, Debra is a dynamite motivator and put me at ease right away. Of course, I am taking baby steps, which means I talked Debra into showing me what it’s all about without an entire class around. What else would you expect from a guy that suffers from Social Anxiety?

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

It’s so easy (and comfortable) to simply take a pill in the privacy of my home, but to really deal with my depression and anxiety at its core, I know I’ve got to get out there among other people and put myself in situations that make me the most uncomfortable. Not to confront the demons, but more to find relief from the symptoms. If I can get over the initial stress and fear of joining the group, I know I will benefit from the experience. Easier said than done I know, but I’ve lived through the alternative and I’m ready to give something else a try.

Fair and Balanced?

2006-11-30T14:33:00.000-06:00

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

The past couple of days, I have really been working the phones. It hasn’t been too difficult to find people who are passionate about what they believe are the dangers of antidepressants. I’ve talked to a bunch of them and they are very gracious with sharing their stories. I’m finding that it is completely different when it comes to finding people who will take the other side and voice their opinions in favor of the use and benefits of psychotropic medications. Maybe it’s when I tell them that I’m doing a documentary that scares them - but why? Maybe it’s because people think they are going to get tricked or misrepresented. Considering what I do for a living, I do realize that nothing is ever really fair and balanced when it comes to artistic interpretations (or reporting of the news for that matter) but I legitimately want to hear all arguments and let the viewer make up their own minds on what or who to believe. I’m really hoping that once I make my way through the red tape, I’ll get some answers from the people who are really in a position to shed some light and make a real difference.

Stay tuned…

The London Interviews

2006-11-28T12:32:00.000-06:00

During a recent trip to London, I was extremely fortunate to sit down with Dr. Andrew Herxheimer and Charles Medawar.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in London.

Dr. Herxheimer taught clinical pharmacology and therapeutics at London University from 1960 to 1991, and most recently at Charing Cross and Westminster Medical School. He founded the Drug and Therapeutics Bulletin in 1962 and edited it until 1992. He has chaired the International Society of Drug Bulletins and the Health Working Group of Consumers International. Dr. Herxheimer has many times been a consultant to the World Health Organization - providing independent, unbiased, clear and concise information about therapeutic interventions for professionals and the public as well as his observations and experience of the pharmaceutical industry.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in London.

Charles Medawar’s background in consumer protection - he has worked with Ralph Nader in Washington DC, and currently works with the Public Interest Research Centre (PIRC)/Social Audit in the UK – which he helped establish in 1972. PIRC/Social Audit is a non-profit agency specializing in medicines policy, drug safety issues and corporate, governmental and professional accountability.

In speaking with Mr. Medawar, I learned a great deal about policy in the U.K. regarding drug safety and approval. While there are some differences between the U.K. and the U.S. (most important is the U.K.'s acknowledgement of the dangers of SSRIs for children), there are a greater number of similarities. The most striking similarities are the power and influence of the pharmaceutical companies and the glaring inadequacies of the regulators.

Still Kickin'

2006-11-27T14:26:00.000-06:00

As most of you know, it’s been about two weeks since I last posted on this blog. It’s not that I haven’t been writing or filming the process – I have – everyday. It just that I haven’t been in a place, emotionally, to publish my thoughts and concerns. A couple of weeks ago, I really started to feel nervous and a little bit paranoid about my situation – especially as I was struggling so intensely with differentiating between withdrawal symptoms and the “real” me. Things seem to be a little better now and I feel like I’ve regained some confidence.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Reno, NV.

Physically, I feel pretty good most days. The electric brain sensations and headache still kick in a lot, but it is usually limited to when I am extremely tired or overworked.

Emotionally, I think I am starting to get better - I know I am slowly getting to know the person I have become. I have to say that after one month of being completely Paxil free, I look back at the experience and see now that some of the more difficult and lingering effects of long-term use of antidepressants are dealing with your own sense of self. To me that is one of the most important and fragile parts of being human.

Over the past few weeks, while I have tried to re-group, the film project has continued to march on. We have about 75 hours of footage with some incredible stories and interviews. The other day, I viewed tapes of myself in the middle of the withdrawal process and I have to say it was difficult. The brain has a way of blocking painful thoughts and dark emotions that allow us to cope. Seeing myself living it on film made me so angry. The way I suffered – the risks that I took – it scares the hell out of me and pisses me off at the same time. I wish I would have been told the truth ten years ago – I wish I would have known what I was in for.

There’s no doubt that the journey has been rough – very rough. And while I am sure that it’s not over, I have to say that it has been quite rewarding in many ways. The people I have met – either through interviews or through correspondence have offered me a wealth of information and support. Their commitment and dedication have made me more driven then ever to share this story.

I will continue to keep writing and posting as I move on to the next chapters of recovery and quest for answers.

A Difficult Night

2006-11-11T15:20:00.000-06:00

Once again, the demons of doubt and insecurity have claimed what should have been an enjoyable evening with friends. It was supposed to be a low-key Friday night get-together. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a painful night of me watching the clock and fighting the constant urge to scream and run out of the restaurant.

I hate these feelings. They remind me so much about the way I felt so many years ago before I started taking an antidepressant. The crowded restaurant overwhelmed me. Bodies bumping into each other trying to get by – the sounds of laughter and shouting – the lights, the televisions – it was all just too much.

It’s hard to describe what happens - you basically get consumed by the situation, and that commitment of thought and energy seems to suck any and all self-confidence right out of you. For me, it’s debilitating - especially when I get locked into this mindset. It frustrates me so much that I can’t seem to get over it – and that I can’t hide it. It was obvious (at least to me) that my discomfort was making everyone else uncomfortable.

I feel like I’m at yet another crossroads with this experience. As the numbing ice of the antidepressant begins to indeed melt away, I find myself struggling to cope with the life I had created while under the influence of Paxil. It sounds weird, but during the past ten years, while under the influence of the antidepressant, I created a new identity - my mood, the way I behaved, the way I interacted with other people, the decision I made – everything. And then, all of the sudden, it seems completely foreign. It’s like I’ve entered the body of someone I don’t even know.

This is what makes quitting an antidepressant so difficult – and, I think, why so many people go back to them once they’ve tried to stop. It’s hard. You're not yourself and you feel like crap. All you can think about is feeling better. As I look back, there was a bizarre comfort in being numb. It’s kind of like the saying, "ignorance is bliss". Basically, if you don’t feel – you won’t hurt. But is that truly living?

Straight to the Source

2006-11-10T12:55:00.000-06:00

In my quest to find out more about the origins of my depression and anxiety, I decided it was time to talk to an expert – not just any expert, but someone who could answer the really tough questions about my physical and emotional development. Stuff that only a mom would know…

So, the next logical interview was just that – a visit with my mom.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

My mom happens to be an elementary school counselor in Missouri and has been for years – so to me, she truly is an expert.

I do have to admit, I was a little nervous about sitting down and sharing all of this information about my life with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, we have a great relationship, but we don’t normally tread through too rough of waters. Our conversations usually sound something like this, “Hi P, how are you doing?” “I’m fine.” “So things are okay?” “Yep.” That’s usually the depth of the conversation. I think as adults, people can get to a point where everything seems to get sugarcoated when they talk to their parents. In my case, I’m not sure what it is – maybe I don’t want her to worry about me. Or actually, maybe I don’t want her to be disappointed in me.

I learned a lot that day talking to my mom – some interesting and embarrassing stuff about me, but more than that, I learned a lot about her. What a great woman – divorced in her 30’s, she basically raised three rambunctious boys, worked her butt off and never once complained or showed any signs of weakness. She was a rock for us – and I never really understood or appreciated how much she suffered for us – I will forever be in her debt.

We talked for a couple of hours and it was great. But as I drove away, all I could think about was how sad it was that our conversation for this film was probably the first time we’ve talked that honestly and intimately in 30 years. It’s amazing how little we really share about ourselves – especially with the people we love.

Teaser Trailer

2006-11-09T15:43:00.000-06:00

While Phil has been going through hell, I've been busy working on additions to the Uncomfortably Numb website. Today, we're releasing the teaser trailer for the film. Available in small, medium, large, HD, and iPod format, you may view the teaser at the official site. If you do not already have QuickTime 7 installed, you may get it for free here.

The teaser was filmed by Bob Seabold, composited by Cory Bauer, and scored by Chuck Foster.

In addition to the teaser, we have added a new Submit Art page. In a nutshell, we're looking for artistic interpretation of life under the influence of antidepressants on a personal level. We are hoping to include your entires in the film. Please visit the official site for more information.

The Arc of Recovery

2006-11-07T18:52:00.000-06:00

When you’re sick – like really down and out with something like the flu, you can almost always tell when you are starting to feel better. It’s the upside of feeling down – and, although at times you may still feel like you’re dying, it somehow feels good to know that you are, in fact, getting better. What I have began to realize over the past few days is that withdrawal from an antidepressant is nothing like that. Not even close. It tricks you into thinking you are getting better and then it attacks - again and again. During the past week, I have been fooled over and over – believing that today might be the day that I start feeling better. But then it hits me again – like a ton a bricks. The same crap – the head zaps, the agitation, the emotions, everything! At times, it even seems like it is getting worse.

I am still documenting all of my experiences, but I have to tell you, I am getting so tired of complaining. I sound like a broken record. Okay, it sucks – we get it! Now what!?

I really think it’s time for me to find new ways to cope. I need to. My situation is what it is. The hand I’ve been dealt sucks, but it’s all I’ve got to work with – so again, it comes down to choices – do I continue to suffer and complain and wait to get better - or do I do something about my situation?

I think it’s time for me to start exploring new options to deal with this misery - I’m so tired of suffering – it’s exhausting.

Hit the wall

2006-11-04T10:10:00.000-06:00

It’s been a little over a week since I have completely stopped taking Paxil - and I feel like I’ve hit the wall. The excitement of venturing into a new world and discovering a new me is completely gone. I am now struggling to figure out who I am – and that seems impossible in my current state. I am emotionally bankrupt. Last week, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions – they weren’t all pleasant, but they were emotions. Today, I sit like a zombie – completely lethargic and uninspired. I don’t think my heart can sink any lower. I say, “my heart” because it really feels like a sadness that attacks your entire spirit. It’s not just my brain sending me mixed messages any more – it’s much more than that – it’s the internal spirit of living that feels damaged.

Not knowing how long I may feel this way is brutal. You want relief, but there are no options. Part of me says it’s time to move on – this is me - and this is as good as it gets – so suck it up and live with it. But another part of me says NO – this can’t be it! This is not me. It’s got to be withdrawal symptoms. After all, a brain that has been manipulated by Paxil for 10 years can’t be expected to behave normally in only six weeks. Can it?

I don’t know, but this phase of withdrawal might be the worst. At least when I first started tapering the doses, I felt alive - borderline insane, but alive. Now, I am just a blob of a human being, void of reason and direction. I have indeed hit the wall – the decision now is, to sit quietly under the shadow of the wall or try to climb over it with every ounce of hope and determination I have.

Emotion Management

2006-11-03T17:11:00.000-06:00

As I've watched Phil try to live life without Paxil, I've tried to imagine what he's going through, and why. Big picture, I would say he's a man who has been in an emotional coma for ten years, and removing Paxil from his system has caused his brain to "wake up". Beyond the withdrawal symptoms he's facing, he's also overcome by a flood emotions that didn't exist in his neutral, paxil-enduced world. Now, he has to relearn how to handle emotion. To me, it seems very akin to a boy going through puberty, with extreme emotional highs and lows, who eventually gains control as he ages. Phil's like a nine year old boy all over gain, only with severe headaches, sensitivity to light and sound, and an endless ringing in his ears. So it's more like going through puberty with an endless hangover, and immediately following a nine hour Spinal Tap concert.

Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Here's what I don't understand: If you have a hip-replacement surgery, the hospital puts you through a rehabilitation program with a physical therapist in order to walk again, and to assure you don't damage anything during the healing process; so, where is the rehabilitation program for your brain after regaining the ability to emote? We all know what hurtful acts or words a pubescent teenager is capable of; why does society not recognize the severity of a grown adult going through those same unstable mood swings, especially one who has their own family, business and home to care for?

Withdrawal or Relapse?

2006-10-31T13:27:00.000-06:00

How do I feel today? Angry, tired, frustrated, heavy-hearted and very, very empty.

No wonder there are so many people that try to get off of antidepressants only to find themselves right back at the doctor’s office asking for help. It’s hard to know if it is really a relapse of depression or anxiety or is it the drug’s lingering effects still manipulating your brain. Most doctors would probably say it’s the depression coming back, since little is known about withdrawal or the prolonged effect of antidepressants on the brain. The conversation more than likely will go something like this, “let’s try this new antidepressant – it’s much better - with way fewer side effects.” And just like that, the cycle starts all over again. No reevaluation of the diagnosis – no blood tests, no brain imaging or analysis – just another shot in the dark. New drug - same consequences.

Image filmed by Cory Bauer.

For me, the process of withdrawal is draining, I am as weak emotionally as I have ever been. I feel completely beat up. Trying to stay positive and convincing myself that I will eventually get better, seems impossible at times. It truly is a vicious cycle – you feel bad so you take the drug. You feel better, so you want to stop taking the drug. Stopping the drug makes you feel bad again, so you think you can’t live without the drug. It makes it almost impossible to know who you really are or to believe in yourself. How can I get better if the drug won’t let me be myself?

Thanks to everyone who has supported me and made this project possible.

I may stop writing for a little while. I’m so tired.

Torture of Withdrawal

2006-10-30T13:45:00.000-06:00

Day three of being Paxil free – it’s tough, really tough. My nerves are completely shot. Today is Saturday so all the kids are around. There are a ton of projects to be done to get ready for a Minnesota winter – but I don’t want to do anything. Everything my kids do from crying and whining to the way they eat makes me furious. My body is so tense right now that I want to scream. I know I am not being a very good husband or father and that hurts probably worse than the withdrawal. I am way too agitated to be objective when it comes to discipline and direction. Simple choices are also making me very upset as well – what do you want for lunch? What do want for dinner? It’s making me nuts and I want to scream.

The project is also working on my nerves – I feel like I am not doing enough even though I rarely think of anything else. I am making a ton of lists to keep up with my thoughts.

One thing I really want to know is when the arc of suffering will begin to move to a more normal state – if I am going to get worse than I am right now – I don’t know how long I can take it. Like I said before, it’s like torture – the way you feel just keeps pushing you and pushing you until you feel like you are going to break. I want it to stop.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Through this process, I really feel like I can better relate to someone who is seriously mentally ill – the chatter in my head makes me constantly question what is right or wrong. It’s like having someone prodding you to do something – or pushing you to the point that you will do whatever it takes to make it stop. What extreme that can be is unknown – for me, I am not having thoughts of suicide. To say I have never had thoughts of suicide would be a lie – but right now, I don’t feel suicidal – I just feel like I am being pushed – emotionally. It’s hard to keep sight of what life means to me when so many forces are altering and confusing every truth I thought I knew.

I don’t think my family can really do much to help me right now – all they can do is try to understand that I am not myself and I desperately want to get better. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt by not being there for them. With what is going on in my head and my heart, I don’t think I’m the kind of father who is capable of protecting and providing for his family. I have become nothing but a shell of who I was – I’ve been reduced to a confused, irrational, fragile thing that no one can depend on. How can people possibly depend on me if I can’t depend on myself…

Informed Consent

2006-10-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a guy yesterday afternoon about the project and how I was doing. This guy happens to be a doctor, but to me, he is much more than that - he is a good friend. As I was describing the pain I was feeling and my anger toward the drug that made me this way, he stopped me. He asked me straight out, “was it worth it for you?” I wasn’t sure how to answer this – I knew exactly what he was talking about but I struggled to answer the question. I immediately wanted to say no – but as I thought about it, I remembered that ten years ago, when I started taking Paxil, I desperately wanted to find a way to deal with my anxiety and mood swings. After about a year on the drug, I could have even been the poster child for Paxil - I remember praising the drug as “giving me my life back.” But something happened along the way, as the years passed, I realized that I didn’t really get my life back, the effects of the Paxil simply substituted my life with a watered-down version – one that was easily tolerated, but not real.

So, back to the question – was it worth it… As my friend pointed out – it’s like in most all areas of medicine, it is a question of informed consent. In my case, the question is, did I agree to take Paxil based upon an appreciation and understanding of the facts and implications of that action? (I know it sounds like legal speak – that’s because it is). Looking back, I’m ashamed to say, no – I did not make my decision knowing what I was getting in to. I wanted the Paxil. I wanted a quick fix for my problems. The commercials depicted exactly what I was feeling – so the decision was way too easy – give me the pill and let me conquer the world!

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Now, ten years later, as I sit alone and cry my eyes out for no reason – and face the daunting task of reestablishing my sense of self – the answer to the question, “was it worth it?” should seem incredibly clear – but it’s not. The ten years I spent under the influence of Paxil happened - good or bad - and they are now a part of me. The withdrawal process I’m going through right now is hell, but it’s also going to be a part of me. So, in the end, was it worth it for me? I guess only time will tell.

Both Sides of the Story

2006-10-26T11:40:00.000-05:00

As I continue to interview people for the film, I am amazed by how many different opinions and points of views there are about these drugs. How did they form these opinions? Education, research, what other doctors say, advertising? No one seems to have a definitive answer, it’s almost a “just because…” mentality.

Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

I wonder if there is as much contradiction and disagreement when people discuss the diagnosis and treatment for cancer or other diseases like Alzheimer’s. With antidepressants, everyone has an opinion and regardless of what side people take, they are all very passionate about what they believe.

The Last Pill

2006-10-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

This morning, I took what could be my last dose of Paxil after 10 years. Tomorrow is a new chapter in my life and I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel so unstable right now – unsure of myself. By not taking the pill, I almost feel like I am letting go of all control and simply handing it over to the effects of the Paxil leaving my body. I don’t like giving up control – it scares me.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

My guts say to be strong and suck it up. But my mind and body are not joining the fight. It’s almost like there are two distinct parts of me right now – there’s one part that’s down deep inside – this one knows who he is and desperately wants to get out. And then there’s the other part of me - this one is much stronger right now - and in control. This part of me is filled with so much doubt, fear and sadness that it’s almost debilitating. It’s this part of me that also seems to be doing everything it can to keep the other one locked away.

By not taking Paxil tomorrow morning, I almost feel like I’m giving the side of me that is in control more power. Right now, I need to find a way to let the real me find his way out – or at least get stronger.

Addressing Concerns

2006-10-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a lot of emails etc. telling me that what i am doing is wrong and dangerous - I totally understand this. I just hope that people will also realize that to initiate change sometimes people have to suffer. At this point in my experience, I accept the suffering. The information and advice I have received during this process basically illustrates the ignorance and danger associated with SSRIs like Paxil. The way I see it, if my experience can help others and uncover more information about these drugs - then it is worth every zap and every tear - regardless of what happens to me. I feel like I'm just a messenger at this point.

Some have even said that I am being irresponsible with my tapering process by showing that it can be done in a month. That is completely untrue. I am only one month into the process and I know I have a long road ahead of me. Am I trying to be some kind of martyr? No, I'm just a guy who happens to have the ability to tell a story - and a commitment to finding the truth.

The Battle Rages On

2006-10-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

I took a few days off from writing and filming to try to regain some normalcy after so much traveling and emotional unrest over the past couple of weeks. Funny thing is, in my condition there is no normalcy – simple things like gathering with friends for dinner becomes extremely difficult. The sound of their voices – happy and excited – trading stories – sounded like grinding metal at an excruciating volume. My wife tells me that my eye brows are so crunched down on my face that I look crazy angry.

Even though most of those around me know what I am doing and that the withdrawal from Paxil can be tough, they still don’t seem to grasp the fact that this is more than a bad mood. I struggle not to make the withdrawal an excuse - so I try my hardest to smile through the intense head ache, ringing in the ears and extreme sensitivity to sound and light. Unfortunately, unless I decide to lay in my bed in darkness all day, I will have to cope with all the intense feelings that want me to lash out and tell everyone to SHUT UP!

Last night, I slept for about 13 hours. I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. My eyes were swollen, my body sore – it wasn’t a good feeling - not like when you’re sixteen and hiding away for hours in your bed is heaven. This feeling was filled with sadness. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to do anything.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Texas.

I am still taking a low dose of Paxil and will be until Wednesday – I’m at the point now that I just want to get it over with. Get this crap out of my body and let me live. I have already given up the past month of my life to Paxil’s stubborn exit. This drug is like a brat that won’t leave without kicking and screaming. I’m sure I’m in for more of the same over the next several months - the fight seems to be getting tougher and tougher - it's like torture, it just keeps wearing me down. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when I think the drug may be winning.

Finding hope

2006-10-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

I had rare but very welcome outburst of laughter other day while stuck in traffic in LA. (okay, so you’re probably thinking this guy has truly lost it if he is sitting there giggling like a fool while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic in downtown LA). But seriously, I felt free for a moment – free from all the BS that goes with getting off of Paxil. Sure, my head was still pounding, my ears ringing, I was nauseous and very, very agitated - but sitting there in traffic, for a very brief moment, it all just seemed so ridiculous – that I had to laugh.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Even though the moment was short lived – it felt good – really good. Of course, part of me thinks that it was more than likely just another one of the withdrawal symptoms – but the other part of me – the positive side – thinks that maybe Paxil’s grip on my mood and my mind might actually be letting loose. Whatever the reason and whatever happens, I’ll always remember that moment. For me, that brief moment of laughter now symbolizes hope. And hope is something I desperately need, especially as I sit here writing with tears rolling down my face not knowing if I'll ever be me again.

Dr. Shipko Interview

2006-10-18T23:22:00.000-05:00

The past week, I have been very fortunate to get some really good interviews for the film. Last week in Los Angeles, I sat down with Dr. Stuart Shipko. Dr. Shipko shared some insights into the difficulties and dangers associated with stopping antidepressants like Paxil.

Image filmed by Jim Hense.

Amazed and confused

2006-10-17T12:25:00.000-05:00

I think I've known Phil for around 10 years and I can tell he's hurting(and not just because he constantly says so), but I can see it in his face.

I've worked with Phil on a lot of projects over the years, but over the past few weeks, as I've followed him around, his behavior is much different than I'm used too...he has always been funny, confident and organized to me...I've not noticed the blunting or other effects of the medication that he has talked about but I've only ever really known him while he has been on the drug...However, I certainly notice a difference now! He's still the Phil I've known but he's much more emotional, a little forgetful, not on top of things like he usually is and just slightly out of control, maybe a little like he is constantly working to stay in control.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

In the late 80s I was diagnosed with clinical depression...I was seeing a therapist at the time and was directed to a psychiatrist who gave me a prescription for Prozac. At the time I was struggling in school and fighting bouts of depression. I continued to see a therapist while on Prozac but after almost a year I felt there were no effects and decided to quit cold turkey. I continued to see a therapist(or two) for a few years and finally tapered that off although I have thought of going back several times over the last few years. I can get quite depressed at times but I guess I've always thought that I should get myself out of it, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm quite confused about what depression really is, can it or should it be worked out with a pill, am I supposed to suck it up, is it my responsibility to eat well, exercise, seek therapy then as a last resort go for medication?

Working on this project with Phil certainly has made me think...about the role of pills in our society, about depression as a disease, and about what people are willing to risk for a quick and easy fix.

The Edge of Darkness

2006-10-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

Traveling to Los Angeles to conduct interviews was extremely difficult. I think the reduced dose of Paxil has really kicked in – I can’t sleep, my ears are ringing, I’m confused. I find myself driven to tears for little or no reason at all. It’s very difficult to interview someone when your eyes fill with tears.

I also find myself constantly assessing my thoughts. The stories of people who have become violent or committed suicide when trying to get off of these drugs are shocking. Even more shocking is the fact that they probably had no idea what was going on in their minds. In my situation, I am always talking about how I feel and writing about how I feel, so at least there are other people involved that can see and monitor any changes in my mood an attitude that may become a risk. I feel a tremendous amount of empathy for those who never knew what was driving them to mutilate their own bodies and ultimately take their own lives. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens enough not to ignore the risks.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

So, what will tomorrow bring? That is a troubling question for anyone who has taken antidepressants and is trying to stop. You constantly wonder if you will get your mind back under control. I was fine before I started taking Paxil. I suffered from anxiety when I was in uncomfortable situations and felt down sometimes – that’s it! But I could have great times, I could laugh and be creative. I could also feel intense sorrow that was rough but I could always find a way out of it. On the Paxil, I seemed fine – I mean, I felt like I could function and I was not bothered with agitated thoughts or concerns. I just existed – day after day, month after month, year after year. Now that I am trying to stop taking the drug, my mind is racing one minute and almost completely shut down the next. My fears are starting to shift from what tomorrow will bring to what next month will bring or next year. Will I ever completely recover from the effects of this drug on my brain? I know it can’t be healthy to dwell on this and I certainly don’t want to continue to be obsessed with these thoughts, but when you wake up in the morning and hear electrical sounding noises in your head combined with a piercing ringing in the ears and a headache that never subsides, It’s very difficult to think any other way.

Next Step

2006-10-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

I spoke with my Doctor yesterday and he suggested that I drop my dose of Paxil again. The current plan is to stay at that dose for two more weeks and then stop completely. I am both excited and apprehensive about getting the drug out of my system. With the way I have been feeling though, I am really starting to wonder if I want to go back to the world I left behind ten years ago when I started taking the antidepressant. My feelings and emotions seem so familiar - the moods, the very low lows, and the irritability – it’s all there – but now I am confused by whether it’s the drug leaving my system or the real me. The one thing I do know for sure is that I have little to no control over what is happening to me - and I don't like that.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

This process has really complicated how I see myself and what defines my personality. If someone asked me to describe the kind of person I am – the only way I could answer that, at this moment, would be to say that I don't know...I have no idea who I really am.

The phenomenon of common experience

2006-10-09T16:58:00.000-05:00

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

For me, talking about my project is easy, I’m passionate about it. What I forget is that I am basically disclosing to everyone that I talk to that I have been on an antidepressant for 10 years. Friends, neighbors, strangers…everyone! And it's not that bad. The thing that really blows me about this disclosure is that other people are sharing their stories with me. Unsolicited. We are creating dialogue about an issue that even I kept secret for all these years. It’s like, “if it’s okay for him to talk about it, maybe I won’t be judged for my experiences with antidepressants.” And rest assured, you won’t – because chances are the person you are talking to – has taken them or is taking them. If they aren’t, their wife, mother, husband, sister or brother are.

I think the more we talk openly about these drugs, the more we will learn and the more we will realize that we share common experiences and symptoms – and that’s valuable information that goes far beyond what we are told by the FDA or the Pharmaceutical companies. Let’s keep talking.

Film Update

2006-10-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that we have been getting some great interviews for the film. Everyone we have talked to so far has shared detailed information that always seems to send me off exploring other issues that I never even considered.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

On Friday, I interviewed a woman that worked as a rep for GlaxoSmithKline for a number of years. As it turns out, she even sold Paxil. I had a lot of preconceived notions about how the interview would go. I never could have guessed how it really turned out. On Friday, I also made calls to both the FDA and GSK to request interviews – I’m not holding my breath – but you never know...

All in all, the momentum and interest in the film has really heated up. As you can probably imagine, this topic is boiling over with extremely strong opinions and beliefs. It’s early, but I really feel like we are on to something bigger than we ever imagined.

The battle has begun...

2006-10-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

Quitting Paxil is a bizarre and unpredictable experience that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. At any given moment you may feel like you doing okay and you’re going to make it out of the funk – and the next minute, you feel like you are literally losing your mind. I haven’t felt real emotion in so long that the feelings of irritability and rage scare me (in my world, rage is yelling – not violent rage).

With what’s going on right now, I don’t know how to process what I am thinking or saying. I feel like I am constantly battling with the Paxil for control of my thoughts and emotions – unlike before I started tapering, when the Paxil quietly manipulated my moods.

At this point in the process, I find myself questioning whether I am suffering the symptoms of withdrawal or if the years of Paxil have become deep layers of ice that are slowly and painfully melting away.

I keep thinking – how far can it go? How bad can it really get? Some people say it’s like having the flu… Sure, I’ll agree that some of the shitty feelings remind me of the flu – but at least when I suffered from the flu I knew that I would eventually get better. With Paxil in my system, I have no idea what I will feel like tomorrow – or for that matter, five minutes from now.

Therapy

2006-10-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

Since I was somewhat self diagnosed...who am I kidding, the Paxil commercials told me everything I needed to know, right - I was totally self-diagnosed! Anyway, I had never seen a therapist in my life - and to be honest, I wasn't all that thrilled about going to one. But for the project and my well being, I thought it was very important to talk one. There were a couple of reasons; first, I wanted to have the proper support in place for the withdrawal symptoms. And secondly, I wanted to find out why and when I may have developed the anxiety and depression in the first place.

Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Through a recommendation, I found a great Psychologist and last week started the process of peeling away the layers to see what's inside. It's a little different for me, but I think in the long run it will help (not to mention, it should make for some good drama on screen!)

Stay tuned.

Doing Okay

2006-10-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Thank you for everyone who has contacted me with concerns for my well-being. I am doing okay - really. The withdrawal is tough, but I have a good group of people around me making sure everything is fine. So, again thanks for the thoughts and kind words - I really appreciate it!

Rough Start

2006-10-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with undoubtedly the worst headache so far. It’s hard to focus on anything and I have a tough time completing a thought. I am carrying around a little note pad to jot things down so I don’t get so frustrated. My short-term memory is also out of whack, I tell my wife and the guys at work the same thing over and over. Nice.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Marching on to the beat of my heart in my head!

2006-10-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

Wednesday I was back at it – making calls and keeping the project moving forward. I think that if I weren’t focusing so intently on the film, I would probably be having a much rougher time dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.

Again, when I get tired in the evenings the symptoms really start to kick in – it probably has to do with the fact that I am trying to relax and not thinking about work.

State of the Mind

2006-10-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

I felt pretty good most of the day Tuesday. My head still ached and I had the ringing in my ears, but I was busy enough not to think about it too much. The project is really picking up steam, I have set up a number of interviews that I think are going to turn out to be very important for the project.

Tuesday afternoon, I interviewed Sean, a 24 year-old guy who has struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. It was interesting to hear from someone who is so in touch with what is going on around them. Sean has taken antidepressants since the age of 16.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

By Tuesday evening, my adrenaline for the day’s events was wearing off and my headache took over. It was wicked. I have to force myself to try not to let the pain in my head effect my kids. They are just kids who love to play and be loud. And right now, when I say loud, I mean LOUD.

Tuesday night was a rough night – I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5:30.

The Michael Browne Interview

2006-10-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

The day before Phil interviewed Robert Whitaker, he sat down with Dr. Michael P. Browne, Ph.D., Adjunct Professor at the University of Minnesota. His interview with Dr. Browne was the first step in our research of antidepressants. Phil discussed the Uncomfortably Numb project, and Dr. Browne shared his unique perspective and past research of antidepressants.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

My Current Condition

2006-10-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

This morning was the first week anniversary of tapering my dose of Paxil. This morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. The ringing in my ears is constant and very difficult to ignore. I have one more week before my dose is cut again - not sure if I'll be ready.

Images filmed by Phil Lawrence

This past Saturday, I felt very sad and also very tired. The headache may have been what caused my bad mood. There has been a ringing in my ears that makes me unsettled. The ringing and headache continued into Sunday, as did my bad mood. I was very short tempered. I'm not sure if it was the anger or the sensitivity, but sounds were making me very uncomfortable and irritable.

Sunday night was tough. I had very vivid dreams - they weren't overly bizarre but they were very disturbing. Some where violent. I went to sleep around 11PM and woke up abruptly at 12:30AM. I was disorientated and afraid to fall back asleep. I finally fell back asleep around 1:30AM. The dreams seemed to continue through the night.

Check out the photo with the post from 9/29 - look at the difference in my face...scary.

The Robert Whitaker Interview

2006-10-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

On September 13, Phil flew to Boston to interview Robert Whitaker, author of "Mad in America". Robert, an award-winning science and medicine journalist, discussed psychotropic substances in detail, where depression comes from and how the definition has changed from a scientific story to a marketing story.

Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Boston, MA.

End of a tough week...

2006-09-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

Woke up early today to hit the weekend sports activities for the kids (ages, 10, 7 and 5) three soccer games at three different fields at three different times. No complaints, except that the ringing in my ears is really starting to bother me. The sunlight was also giving me a massive headache. I’m going to try to lay low today and get some rest.

Yesterday was probably my worst day so far regarding the tapering process. I got a lot of work done, but my head was throbbing all day. I was also very short tempered. We took the family to a local high school football game last night and the car ride over was brutal. The kids were really excited, which was great, but the pitch of their voices rang like a chainsaw in my head. Being a good dad I smiled through the pain – and they all had a good time.

Next week looks really good for interviews – I’ve made some great contacts and everyone seems to be very receptive to the project. I’ll keep you posted.

The Process Begins

2006-09-29T14:25:00.000-05:00

This past Monday, Phil began the process of decreasing his Paxil dosage. His doctor said he should expect it to take at least six weeks before he is Paxil-free, that is if things go well. Since Wednesday, he's been experiencing what he compares to a "sleep hangover". There's a slight delay between his physical actions and his brain acknowledging he did them, akin to a whooshing effect. I would add that he seems more physically and mentally active than usual.

Image filmed by Bob Seabold at Phil's home on September 25th.

Today, Phil said he woke up to what sounded like a Windex bottle being squeezed behind his ear. It took him a few minutes to realize it was only in his head. As the morning progressed, it became less apparent. This afternoon, he's enjoying a severe headache. He also appears to be sensitive to sunlight.

Phil's Physical

2006-09-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

On September 1st, Phil had a physical exam with his new physician. Everything went smoothly, and no abnormalities or concerns were found. Phil shared his history of Paxil with his doctor, and explained his intention to stop taking the SSRI.

These images were filmed by Bob Seabold.

Official Film Blog Goes Live

2006-09-27T12:46:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the official blog of Uncomfortably Numb, a documentary about seeing the world through pill-bottle brown. This blog will give a behind the scenes look at the making of the film, as well as the progress of filmmaker Phil Lawrence as he stops taking the SSRI, Paxil. More updates will follow shortly as we play catch-up with what has happened so far; in the meantime, please feel free to visit the official site for more details about the film.