The Edge of Darkness
Traveling to Los Angeles to conduct interviews was extremely difficult. I think the reduced dose of Paxil has really kicked in – I can’t sleep, my ears are ringing, I’m confused. I find myself driven to tears for little or no reason at all. It’s very difficult to interview someone when your eyes fill with tears.
I also find myself constantly assessing my thoughts. The stories of people who have become violent or committed suicide when trying to get off of these drugs are shocking. Even more shocking is the fact that they probably had no idea what was going on in their minds. In my situation, I am always talking about how I feel and writing about how I feel, so at least there are other people involved that can see and monitor any changes in my mood an attitude that may become a risk. I feel a tremendous amount of empathy for those who never knew what was driving them to mutilate their own bodies and ultimately take their own lives. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens enough not to ignore the risks.
Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.
So, what will tomorrow bring? That is a troubling question for anyone who has taken antidepressants and is trying to stop. You constantly wonder if you will get your mind back under control. I was fine before I started taking Paxil. I suffered from anxiety when I was in uncomfortable situations and felt down sometimes – that’s it! But I could have great times, I could laugh and be creative. I could also feel intense sorrow that was rough but I could always find a way out of it. On the Paxil, I seemed fine – I mean, I felt like I could function and I was not bothered with agitated thoughts or concerns. I just existed – day after day, month after month, year after year. Now that I am trying to stop taking the drug, my mind is racing one minute and almost completely shut down the next. My fears are starting to shift from what tomorrow will bring to what next month will bring or next year. Will I ever completely recover from the effects of this drug on my brain? I know it can’t be healthy to dwell on this and I certainly don’t want to continue to be obsessed with these thoughts, but when you wake up in the morning and hear electrical sounding noises in your head combined with a piercing ringing in the ears and a headache that never subsides, It’s very difficult to think any other way.
posted by Phil Lawrence @ 4:45 PM
3 Comments:
I hope your weekend is going better. I understand the feelings during your interviews. I was withdrawing from Paxil when I attended the protest in Washington, DC in August of 2005. My story was so trivial in comparison to everyone else's.
It added to my anger and my determination to get off the poison. It also overwhelmed my emotions and there was only so much I could handle without going back to my hotel to write/release everything I had just learned.
You can defeat this. It will take time, but you always have to know in the back of your head, even at the worst of times, that you are one step closer to freedom. These emotions are not the real you coming back out. Yes, the emotions have been numbed and they are coming back to life - but that is YOU and you have to relearn how to react to these situations again. If these emotions/feelings are covered up, think of all of the good emotions/feelings are being covered up also.
Hang in there! I'll see you Monday in Houston. Hopefully mine will be a story that gives you hope and determination.
De Lyn
Just wanted to give some encouragement to Phil - this process can be hell, but I think your documentary will help you get through it, AND provide much-needed documentation of the reality of what happens when an ordinary person stops taking this nightmare drug. One thing people withdrawing from SSRIs often suffer from is a lack of purpose - anything not related to your own current situation seems irrelevant or somehow distant. I hope this documentary will plug that hole to some extent, since it is both focussed work AND directly concerned with your own current mental/physical state.
On the other hand, if things get too grim, DON'T use the project as justification for continuing down the same road. If you have to restart a dose of Paxil - really have to - then do it, and withdraw more gradually later. Don't let commitment to this documentary blind you to a truly urgent need to put the brakes on (if it arises, which it may not).
Good idea to enable comment moderation by the way - only political blogs and sex blogs get more trolls than blogs concerning depression/antidepressants. No idea why, but it seems to bring all the idiots out to play...
i'm curious to know your thoughts about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo7Sng5Jeb0
it's the PaxilBack video -- a parody of a Justin Timberlake song. do you think it's going to send kids to their doctors, asking about Paxil? sure, the song's humorous -- but who knows.
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