A Difficult Night

Once again, the demons of doubt and insecurity have claimed what should have been an enjoyable evening with friends. It was supposed to be a low-key Friday night get-together. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a painful night of me watching the clock and fighting the constant urge to scream and run out of the restaurant.

I hate these feelings. They remind me so much about the way I felt so many years ago before I started taking an antidepressant. The crowded restaurant overwhelmed me. Bodies bumping into each other trying to get by – the sounds of laughter and shouting – the lights, the televisions – it was all just too much.

It’s hard to describe what happens - you basically get consumed by the situation, and that commitment of thought and energy seems to suck any and all self-confidence right out of you. For me, it’s debilitating - especially when I get locked into this mindset. It frustrates me so much that I can’t seem to get over it – and that I can’t hide it. It was obvious (at least to me) that my discomfort was making everyone else uncomfortable.

I feel like I’m at yet another crossroads with this experience. As the numbing ice of the antidepressant begins to indeed melt away, I find myself struggling to cope with the life I had created while under the influence of Paxil. It sounds weird, but during the past ten years, while under the influence of the antidepressant, I created a new identity - my mood, the way I behaved, the way I interacted with other people, the decision I made – everything. And then, all of the sudden, it seems completely foreign. It’s like I’ve entered the body of someone I don’t even know.

This is what makes quitting an antidepressant so difficult – and, I think, why so many people go back to them once they’ve tried to stop. It’s hard. You're not yourself and you feel like crap. All you can think about is feeling better. As I look back, there was a bizarre comfort in being numb. It’s kind of like the saying, "ignorance is bliss". Basically, if you don’t feel – you won’t hurt. But is that truly living?