The Last Pill

This morning, I took what could be my last dose of Paxil after 10 years. Tomorrow is a new chapter in my life and I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel so unstable right now – unsure of myself. By not taking the pill, I almost feel like I am letting go of all control and simply handing it over to the effects of the Paxil leaving my body. I don’t like giving up control – it scares me.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

My guts say to be strong and suck it up. But my mind and body are not joining the fight. It’s almost like there are two distinct parts of me right now – there’s one part that’s down deep inside – this one knows who he is and desperately wants to get out. And then there’s the other part of me - this one is much stronger right now - and in control. This part of me is filled with so much doubt, fear and sadness that it’s almost debilitating. It’s this part of me that also seems to be doing everything it can to keep the other one locked away.

By not taking Paxil tomorrow morning, I almost feel like I’m giving the side of me that is in control more power. Right now, I need to find a way to let the real me find his way out – or at least get stronger.