The Battle Rages On

I took a few days off from writing and filming to try to regain some normalcy after so much traveling and emotional unrest over the past couple of weeks. Funny thing is, in my condition there is no normalcy – simple things like gathering with friends for dinner becomes extremely difficult. The sound of their voices – happy and excited – trading stories – sounded like grinding metal at an excruciating volume. My wife tells me that my eye brows are so crunched down on my face that I look crazy angry.

Even though most of those around me know what I am doing and that the withdrawal from Paxil can be tough, they still don’t seem to grasp the fact that this is more than a bad mood. I struggle not to make the withdrawal an excuse - so I try my hardest to smile through the intense head ache, ringing in the ears and extreme sensitivity to sound and light. Unfortunately, unless I decide to lay in my bed in darkness all day, I will have to cope with all the intense feelings that want me to lash out and tell everyone to SHUT UP!

Last night, I slept for about 13 hours. I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. My eyes were swollen, my body sore – it wasn’t a good feeling - not like when you’re sixteen and hiding away for hours in your bed is heaven. This feeling was filled with sadness. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to do anything.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Texas.

I am still taking a low dose of Paxil and will be until Wednesday – I’m at the point now that I just want to get it over with. Get this crap out of my body and let me live. I have already given up the past month of my life to Paxil’s stubborn exit. This drug is like a brat that won’t leave without kicking and screaming. I’m sure I’m in for more of the same over the next several months - the fight seems to be getting tougher and tougher - it's like torture, it just keeps wearing me down. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when I think the drug may be winning.