Informed Consent

I was talking with a guy yesterday afternoon about the project and how I was doing. This guy happens to be a doctor, but to me, he is much more than that - he is a good friend. As I was describing the pain I was feeling and my anger toward the drug that made me this way, he stopped me. He asked me straight out, “was it worth it for you?” I wasn’t sure how to answer this – I knew exactly what he was talking about but I struggled to answer the question. I immediately wanted to say no – but as I thought about it, I remembered that ten years ago, when I started taking Paxil, I desperately wanted to find a way to deal with my anxiety and mood swings. After about a year on the drug, I could have even been the poster child for Paxil - I remember praising the drug as “giving me my life back.” But something happened along the way, as the years passed, I realized that I didn’t really get my life back, the effects of the Paxil simply substituted my life with a watered-down version – one that was easily tolerated, but not real.

So, back to the question – was it worth it… As my friend pointed out – it’s like in most all areas of medicine, it is a question of informed consent. In my case, the question is, did I agree to take Paxil based upon an appreciation and understanding of the facts and implications of that action? (I know it sounds like legal speak – that’s because it is). Looking back, I’m ashamed to say, no – I did not make my decision knowing what I was getting in to. I wanted the Paxil. I wanted a quick fix for my problems. The commercials depicted exactly what I was feeling – so the decision was way too easy – give me the pill and let me conquer the world!


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Now, ten years later, as I sit alone and cry my eyes out for no reason – and face the daunting task of reestablishing my sense of self – the answer to the question, “was it worth it?” should seem incredibly clear – but it’s not. The ten years I spent under the influence of Paxil happened - good or bad - and they are now a part of me. The withdrawal process I’m going through right now is hell, but it’s also going to be a part of me. So, in the end, was it worth it for me? I guess only time will tell.