Hit the wall
It’s been a little over a week since I have completely stopped taking Paxil - and I feel like I’ve hit the wall. The excitement of venturing into a new world and discovering a new me is completely gone. I am now struggling to figure out who I am – and that seems impossible in my current state. I am emotionally bankrupt. Last week, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions – they weren’t all pleasant, but they were emotions. Today, I sit like a zombie – completely lethargic and uninspired. I don’t think my heart can sink any lower. I say, “my heart” because it really feels like a sadness that attacks your entire spirit. It’s not just my brain sending me mixed messages any more – it’s much more than that – it’s the internal spirit of living that feels damaged.
Not knowing how long I may feel this way is brutal. You want relief, but there are no options. Part of me says it’s time to move on – this is me - and this is as good as it gets – so suck it up and live with it. But another part of me says NO – this can’t be it! This is not me. It’s got to be withdrawal symptoms. After all, a brain that has been manipulated by Paxil for 10 years can’t be expected to behave normally in only six weeks. Can it?
I don’t know, but this phase of withdrawal might be the worst. At least when I first started tapering the doses, I felt alive - borderline insane, but alive. Now, I am just a blob of a human being, void of reason and direction. I have indeed hit the wall – the decision now is, to sit quietly under the shadow of the wall or try to climb over it with every ounce of hope and determination I have.
posted by Phil Lawrence @ 10:10 AM
2 Comments:
Phil, there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you can't see it through the fog of physical and emotional trauma of withdrawal.
As someone mentioned (Roger, I believe), keep reminding yourself that you DID NOT feel this way before Paxil. I went from a pre-Paxil anxiety/mild depression to a full blown anxiety/depression/agoraphobic/manic/physical mess post-Paxil. That sounds like a heck of a pep talk, eh? The pep part is that my life IS back and you, too, will return to life.
Through this process you can learn that nothing that life dishes out is worth the hell these drugs can put you through. The process can ultimately give you the strength to get through anything because you now know the retributions for the 'easy fix'.
Some extreme situations merit the use of Paxil. I would estimate that 95% of the reasons it has been used for could have been dealt with differently with different outcomes - more comfortable/stronger outcomes.
Keep the faith, no matter how dim it is at the moment. Take care of yourself, rest, do not over exert, and when you need some solitude - take it when you can. It is a necessity. Thinking of you!
Just take it slowly Phil - you're not suddenly going to wake up one morning and be free of Paxi and feel great. I'm sorry but it doesn't happen like that. When we started taking the drug it slowly changed us, and the way we dealt with the world, over months and years and when you stop taking it the reverse process can be just as long.
You are making progress - it just feels like you're not because it's so slow. As dlwcpht says above your life will return - but bit by bit, little by little.
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