Still Kickin'

As most of you know, it’s been about two weeks since I last posted on this blog. It’s not that I haven’t been writing or filming the process – I have – everyday. It just that I haven’t been in a place, emotionally, to publish my thoughts and concerns. A couple of weeks ago, I really started to feel nervous and a little bit paranoid about my situation – especially as I was struggling so intensely with differentiating between withdrawal symptoms and the “real” me. Things seem to be a little better now and I feel like I’ve regained some confidence.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Reno, NV.

Physically, I feel pretty good most days. The electric brain sensations and headache still kick in a lot, but it is usually limited to when I am extremely tired or overworked.

Emotionally, I think I am starting to get better - I know I am slowly getting to know the person I have become. I have to say that after one month of being completely Paxil free, I look back at the experience and see now that some of the more difficult and lingering effects of long-term use of antidepressants are dealing with your own sense of self. To me that is one of the most important and fragile parts of being human.

Over the past few weeks, while I have tried to re-group, the film project has continued to march on. We have about 75 hours of footage with some incredible stories and interviews. The other day, I viewed tapes of myself in the middle of the withdrawal process and I have to say it was difficult. The brain has a way of blocking painful thoughts and dark emotions that allow us to cope. Seeing myself living it on film made me so angry. The way I suffered – the risks that I took – it scares the hell out of me and pisses me off at the same time. I wish I would have been told the truth ten years ago – I wish I would have known what I was in for.

There’s no doubt that the journey has been rough – very rough. And while I am sure that it’s not over, I have to say that it has been quite rewarding in many ways. The people I have met – either through interviews or through correspondence have offered me a wealth of information and support. Their commitment and dedication have made me more driven then ever to share this story.

I will continue to keep writing and posting as I move on to the next chapters of recovery and quest for answers.