The Perfect Storm

As the days start to blend into weeks – and then into months – I have to say, I may actually be starting to adjust to a life free of antidepressants. Friday will mark three months since I took my last dose of Paxil. While I still have good days and bad days, I have to think (hope) that the worst is behind me.

Would I say that my story has a happy ending? No way. I may feel okay most days – but I know it’s not over. The effects of the withdrawal - and years of taking Paxil - will more than likely remain with me for years to come. I still have sensations of electrical short-circuits in my brain - and my ears still ring like a thousand television sets screaming at me.

I do have to say that I feel lucky to have lived through it (so far!) and to have the ability to tell the story. There are so many people out there – just like me – who need help, who need to talk – and to deal with real issues in their lives. It’s just so unfortunate, and quite frankly, tragic, that the very treatment that we looked to for help, could cause so much pain, suffering and confusion. It’s the ultimate irony – you feel down or anxious so you take a pill to feel better – and in the end, that pill only makes you feel worse - and even intensifies the very issues that caused you to seek help in the first place.

I’m starting to think that antidepressants are like the “perfect storm” – everything came together to create the ultimate moneymaker. You’ve got the perfect consumers – people who desperately want and need help. You’ve got the perfect illness – one that cannot be scientifically proven and is subjectively diagnosed. You’ve got the perfect marketing scheme – huge advertising campaigns in magazines and on television that play directly on the consumer’s fears and desires to get better. And, you’ve got the perfect pushers – government regulators and a professional community that have bought into the whole thing hook, line and sinker. The result of this “perfect storm” is a tremendous amount of power and influence that allows the industry to keep the wave rolling.

It’s intimidating – and a little overwhelming to actually fight the storm and try to get someone to listen - or make a change, or for that matter, tell the truth – but at this point, what other choice do we have?

Making Progress

I seemed to have cycled through another rough patch in the road to recovery. The past few days I’ve felt pretty good – I’m actually feeling what may be considered, “normal.” My ears aren’t ringing as much and the whoosh in my head has faded. Knowing what the alternative is, I’m trying to take full advantage of the good days and keep reminding myself to enjoy the simple things – like my kids’ laughter.

We’ve started sifting through the hours and hours of footage. It’s hilarious to watch me starting the process back in August – I’m like a giddy kid waiting in line for a ride at Disney World. It’s all energy and anticipation. The sad part is, I know that it all changes pretty quick. Since I haven't seen all the footage yet, I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty difficult to watch - but I have to admit, even though I lived it, I’m still anxious to see what happens next!

Talk to you soon.

A Better Day

Yesterday felt pretty good – finally letting out what was going on. Thanks to everyone who expressed their support and shared advice. Again, much appreciated. Anyway, now that I’m feeling prolific again, I wanted to talk a little bit about the documentary. Other than the physical and mental anguish, the experience has been incredible – I’ve met some amazing people and learned things that I still can’t believe are true (but are!) So far, we have over 100 hours of raw footage. We’ve interviewed experts, doctors, victims and survivors – we’ve talked to people who say antidepressants have saved their lives and people who say antidepressants have ruined their lives. It’s obvious that this is not a clear-cut issue - but something I’m sure we all can agree on is that we don’t have all the facts - and when human lives are at stake, this is not an option. Here are some recent highlights of the project…


Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

While attending the FDA hearings in Washington, I was lucky enough to sit down with noted psychiatrist David Healy. Dr. Healy is the author of a number of books and articles that are critical of the pharmaceutical industry’s influence on medicine and academia. He’s a fascinating guy who really knows what he’s talking about. He’s also not shy about expressing his opinion that SSRIs can lead to suicide. Made for a great interview.


Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

I have to say, interviewing Gwen Olsen, author of the book “Confessions of an Rx Drug Pusher” turned out to be one of the most surprising interviews of the project so far. Gwen spent fifteen years as a sales rep in the pharmaceutical industry working for health care giants such as Johnson & Johnson and Bristol-Myers Squibb. During our interview, she was extremely candid about her experience as a drug rep. Her story really sheds light on how the system works - behind-the-scenes. It also reveals a lot about how drugs, like antidepressants, have become so widely prescribed by medical professionals. Gwen also talked openly about the events that lead to the tragic death of her niece two years ago. It was a powerful interview and one I will not soon forget.



Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Get into a discussion about the chemical imbalance theory with Jonathan Leo and I’m betting you’ll lose every time. Dr. Leo is a professor of anatomy who has written a number of articles exposing the flaws in the chemical imbalance theory as it relates to depression, schizophrenia and ADHD.

Along with the interviews, I am still documenting my own experiences (ad nauseam) as I continue to try to beat this thing and find a healthy and reasonable balance in my life. The plan is to start editing very soon – I would probably have already started, but as I said yesterday, I think my journey is far from over. It’s hard to tell a story when you don’t know how it ends.

Still here...sort a...

Below are several posts that I have written since around mid-December. Until this weekend, I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk any more about my situation. I seem to be fading in and out of the same feelings I had a month ago and it has been pretty difficult to deal with. Thanks to all those who have continued to comment and send words of support despite my lack of communication - I really appreciate it.

January 6, 2007

Wow – the fun is really over. Reality has sunk in – big time. Although what I went through a month ago wasn’t fun (in any way) - it was new and, in a way, exciting. I was faced with a challenge and when I started to feel better, I started to think that I was actually winning. For me, even when I was hurting, the excitement of knowing I was making progress drove me to fight. Today, as I drift in and out of the symptoms - AGAIN, I find myself more and more angry with my situation – and discouraged.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

This is why I have not posted in such a long time – I have been writing, but I just felt so down that I didn’t even want to share it with anyone. I feel like I’ve become a complainer – someone who can’t cope. It’s like I failed. I couldn’t beat it like I thought I could.

I don’t know about other people, but when I see a finish line or a light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to work harder to reach it. What I’m feeling now is like a nasty virus that lies dormant for while and then – out of now where – decides to mess with you – physically and mentally. I’ll try to describe what it feels like… First, there is the constant ringing in the ears. My body aches and I feel tired most of the day regardless of how much I slept the night before. When I move my eyes from left to right, I get an electrical sensation in my head – like I can actually hear a short circuit in the neurotransmitters. Usually in the evenings, when I am worn down, I feel an electrical whoosh in my head with any movement. There is not a lot of pain, it’s mostly feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. I feel almost like I have symptoms of the flu – that’s about the closest thing I can think of to compare it to. Your mind says, get up! Do something - but your body says, no.

My fear is that I am going to be subjected to these random symptoms forever. People in my same situation have said that they have experienced the same thing and most of the symptoms go away over time – but I’m afraid of the long-term damage I may have done to my head. Having it return is so discouraging - and the thought of living like this forever is way too much to comprehend or digest. I can’t think about it too much or I start to drift into a place filled with despair instead of hope. I prefer hope. There may not be a definite end in sight but as long as I can hold on to hope, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.

December 31, 2006

I’m not as frustrated today although the electrical stuff is still going crazy in my brain. The ringing in my ears has also returned with a vengeance. I’m not sure if I just get used to it again. I fear that the anger and rage is just part of the cycle in this experience. I am trying to be optimistic about the New Year - it signals a passing into something new and different – even though it’s just another day – it feels like a fresh start. I’m hoping I can feel better.

December 26, 2006

I am so angry and agitated today that I can hardly contain myself. My head is bothering me and my body aches. I am to the point where all I want to do is scream. My kids are making me crazy with their constant requests. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it is making me insane and I feel like a horrible parent. I have no patience at all. All I want is to be left alone. I am so consumed right now with anger and frustration that even breathing seems difficult – almost like I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs to keep my body functioning. I am painfully aware of everything negative in my body and around me. I’m not seeing happiness - only inconvenience and annoyance. I try to think about what would help me “snap out of it” or to make me think about something else – but I come up with nothing. It’s the day after Christmas – and I know in my heart how incredibly lucky we are – we have a home, our children are healthy and we are surrounded by friends and relatives. I am lucky – I know I am – but why I can’t think of anything at this very moment that would make me happy. What the hell is going on with me? Could this still be related to the withdrawal of Paxil? Seems unlikely, and sounds like an excuse, but a lot of people have experienced a wide range of symptoms that can come and go for over a year. At first, I must admit, I found that hard to believe, but now, I can’t seem to explain any other way, the negative force I am feeling. The electrical crap going on in my head has to be adding to the frustration. I thought I was in the clear. I thought it was over. How naïve – ten years of manipulating my brain with a chemical and I expect a full recovery in a month. This sucks.

December 22, 2006

I am fast approaching two months of being completely Paxil-free – it will be on Christmas Day to be exact. Although I have been very busy and suffered from a recent bout with the flu – I’ve felt pretty good over the past few weeks. But recently, I’ve started to feel like I’m fading in and out of depression. Actually, I don’t like to use the term, “depression” because I don’t know what that means. It carries too much extra baggage with it – and too general to apply to what I feel. What happens to me is more of a tilt off axis. I can actually feel myself starting to slide. It’s scary and unfamiliar. I am actively working on trying to balance my moods and emotions with exercise, diet, supplements and other things but I still find myself drifting into the zone. I call it the zone because that’s what it feels like – no energy, no desire – just saddness. It’s not like the numb feeling I had on antidepressants – that feeling was more like blank apathy. This feeling is much more intense. I find myself missing and possibly even craving the way I felt on the drugs. Is that the addictive nature of the medication or the comfort of living under a shield that protects you from the stresses of everyday life?

I’m having trouble focusing on tasks and getting things done. I don’t feel too anxious – just down. I am sleeping a ton but still can’t seem to get enough. Aside from the dips into dark moods, my headaches are gone and I’m generally in a decent mood.