December 26, 2006

I am so angry and agitated today that I can hardly contain myself. My head is bothering me and my body aches. I am to the point where all I want to do is scream. My kids are making me crazy with their constant requests. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it is making me insane and I feel like a horrible parent. I have no patience at all. All I want is to be left alone. I am so consumed right now with anger and frustration that even breathing seems difficult – almost like I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs to keep my body functioning. I am painfully aware of everything negative in my body and around me. I’m not seeing happiness - only inconvenience and annoyance. I try to think about what would help me “snap out of it” or to make me think about something else – but I come up with nothing. It’s the day after Christmas – and I know in my heart how incredibly lucky we are – we have a home, our children are healthy and we are surrounded by friends and relatives. I am lucky – I know I am – but why I can’t think of anything at this very moment that would make me happy. What the hell is going on with me? Could this still be related to the withdrawal of Paxil? Seems unlikely, and sounds like an excuse, but a lot of people have experienced a wide range of symptoms that can come and go for over a year. At first, I must admit, I found that hard to believe, but now, I can’t seem to explain any other way, the negative force I am feeling. The electrical crap going on in my head has to be adding to the frustration. I thought I was in the clear. I thought it was over. How naïve – ten years of manipulating my brain with a chemical and I expect a full recovery in a month. This sucks.