December 22, 2006

I am fast approaching two months of being completely Paxil-free – it will be on Christmas Day to be exact. Although I have been very busy and suffered from a recent bout with the flu – I’ve felt pretty good over the past few weeks. But recently, I’ve started to feel like I’m fading in and out of depression. Actually, I don’t like to use the term, “depression” because I don’t know what that means. It carries too much extra baggage with it – and too general to apply to what I feel. What happens to me is more of a tilt off axis. I can actually feel myself starting to slide. It’s scary and unfamiliar. I am actively working on trying to balance my moods and emotions with exercise, diet, supplements and other things but I still find myself drifting into the zone. I call it the zone because that’s what it feels like – no energy, no desire – just saddness. It’s not like the numb feeling I had on antidepressants – that feeling was more like blank apathy. This feeling is much more intense. I find myself missing and possibly even craving the way I felt on the drugs. Is that the addictive nature of the medication or the comfort of living under a shield that protects you from the stresses of everyday life?

I’m having trouble focusing on tasks and getting things done. I don’t feel too anxious – just down. I am sleeping a ton but still can’t seem to get enough. Aside from the dips into dark moods, my headaches are gone and I’m generally in a decent mood.