January 6, 2007

Wow – the fun is really over. Reality has sunk in – big time. Although what I went through a month ago wasn’t fun (in any way) - it was new and, in a way, exciting. I was faced with a challenge and when I started to feel better, I started to think that I was actually winning. For me, even when I was hurting, the excitement of knowing I was making progress drove me to fight. Today, as I drift in and out of the symptoms - AGAIN, I find myself more and more angry with my situation – and discouraged.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

This is why I have not posted in such a long time – I have been writing, but I just felt so down that I didn’t even want to share it with anyone. I feel like I’ve become a complainer – someone who can’t cope. It’s like I failed. I couldn’t beat it like I thought I could.

I don’t know about other people, but when I see a finish line or a light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to work harder to reach it. What I’m feeling now is like a nasty virus that lies dormant for while and then – out of now where – decides to mess with you – physically and mentally. I’ll try to describe what it feels like… First, there is the constant ringing in the ears. My body aches and I feel tired most of the day regardless of how much I slept the night before. When I move my eyes from left to right, I get an electrical sensation in my head – like I can actually hear a short circuit in the neurotransmitters. Usually in the evenings, when I am worn down, I feel an electrical whoosh in my head with any movement. There is not a lot of pain, it’s mostly feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. I feel almost like I have symptoms of the flu – that’s about the closest thing I can think of to compare it to. Your mind says, get up! Do something - but your body says, no.

My fear is that I am going to be subjected to these random symptoms forever. People in my same situation have said that they have experienced the same thing and most of the symptoms go away over time – but I’m afraid of the long-term damage I may have done to my head. Having it return is so discouraging - and the thought of living like this forever is way too much to comprehend or digest. I can’t think about it too much or I start to drift into a place filled with despair instead of hope. I prefer hope. There may not be a definite end in sight but as long as I can hold on to hope, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.