Withdrawal or Relapse?

How do I feel today? Angry, tired, frustrated, heavy-hearted and very, very empty.

No wonder there are so many people that try to get off of antidepressants only to find themselves right back at the doctor’s office asking for help. It’s hard to know if it is really a relapse of depression or anxiety or is it the drug’s lingering effects still manipulating your brain. Most doctors would probably say it’s the depression coming back, since little is known about withdrawal or the prolonged effect of antidepressants on the brain. The conversation more than likely will go something like this, “let’s try this new antidepressant – it’s much better - with way fewer side effects.” And just like that, the cycle starts all over again. No reevaluation of the diagnosis – no blood tests, no brain imaging or analysis – just another shot in the dark. New drug - same consequences.


Image filmed by Cory Bauer.

For me, the process of withdrawal is draining, I am as weak emotionally as I have ever been. I feel completely beat up. Trying to stay positive and convincing myself that I will eventually get better, seems impossible at times. It truly is a vicious cycle – you feel bad so you take the drug. You feel better, so you want to stop taking the drug. Stopping the drug makes you feel bad again, so you think you can’t live without the drug. It makes it almost impossible to know who you really are or to believe in yourself. How can I get better if the drug won’t let me be myself?

Thanks to everyone who has supported me and made this project possible.

I may stop writing for a little while. I’m so tired.

Torture of Withdrawal

Day three of being Paxil free – it’s tough, really tough. My nerves are completely shot. Today is Saturday so all the kids are around. There are a ton of projects to be done to get ready for a Minnesota winter – but I don’t want to do anything. Everything my kids do from crying and whining to the way they eat makes me furious. My body is so tense right now that I want to scream. I know I am not being a very good husband or father and that hurts probably worse than the withdrawal. I am way too agitated to be objective when it comes to discipline and direction. Simple choices are also making me very upset as well – what do you want for lunch? What do want for dinner? It’s making me nuts and I want to scream.

The project is also working on my nerves – I feel like I am not doing enough even though I rarely think of anything else. I am making a ton of lists to keep up with my thoughts.

One thing I really want to know is when the arc of suffering will begin to move to a more normal state – if I am going to get worse than I am right now – I don’t know how long I can take it. Like I said before, it’s like torture – the way you feel just keeps pushing you and pushing you until you feel like you are going to break. I want it to stop.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Through this process, I really feel like I can better relate to someone who is seriously mentally ill – the chatter in my head makes me constantly question what is right or wrong. It’s like having someone prodding you to do something – or pushing you to the point that you will do whatever it takes to make it stop. What extreme that can be is unknown – for me, I am not having thoughts of suicide. To say I have never had thoughts of suicide would be a lie – but right now, I don’t feel suicidal – I just feel like I am being pushed – emotionally. It’s hard to keep sight of what life means to me when so many forces are altering and confusing every truth I thought I knew.

I don’t think my family can really do much to help me right now – all they can do is try to understand that I am not myself and I desperately want to get better. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt by not being there for them. With what is going on in my head and my heart, I don’t think I’m the kind of father who is capable of protecting and providing for his family. I have become nothing but a shell of who I was – I’ve been reduced to a confused, irrational, fragile thing that no one can depend on. How can people possibly depend on me if I can’t depend on myself…

Informed Consent

I was talking with a guy yesterday afternoon about the project and how I was doing. This guy happens to be a doctor, but to me, he is much more than that - he is a good friend. As I was describing the pain I was feeling and my anger toward the drug that made me this way, he stopped me. He asked me straight out, “was it worth it for you?” I wasn’t sure how to answer this – I knew exactly what he was talking about but I struggled to answer the question. I immediately wanted to say no – but as I thought about it, I remembered that ten years ago, when I started taking Paxil, I desperately wanted to find a way to deal with my anxiety and mood swings. After about a year on the drug, I could have even been the poster child for Paxil - I remember praising the drug as “giving me my life back.” But something happened along the way, as the years passed, I realized that I didn’t really get my life back, the effects of the Paxil simply substituted my life with a watered-down version – one that was easily tolerated, but not real.

So, back to the question – was it worth it… As my friend pointed out – it’s like in most all areas of medicine, it is a question of informed consent. In my case, the question is, did I agree to take Paxil based upon an appreciation and understanding of the facts and implications of that action? (I know it sounds like legal speak – that’s because it is). Looking back, I’m ashamed to say, no – I did not make my decision knowing what I was getting in to. I wanted the Paxil. I wanted a quick fix for my problems. The commercials depicted exactly what I was feeling – so the decision was way too easy – give me the pill and let me conquer the world!


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Now, ten years later, as I sit alone and cry my eyes out for no reason – and face the daunting task of reestablishing my sense of self – the answer to the question, “was it worth it?” should seem incredibly clear – but it’s not. The ten years I spent under the influence of Paxil happened - good or bad - and they are now a part of me. The withdrawal process I’m going through right now is hell, but it’s also going to be a part of me. So, in the end, was it worth it for me? I guess only time will tell.

Both Sides of the Story

As I continue to interview people for the film, I am amazed by how many different opinions and points of views there are about these drugs. How did they form these opinions? Education, research, what other doctors say, advertising? No one seems to have a definitive answer, it’s almost a “just because…” mentality.


Image filmed by Darren LaZarre.

I wonder if there is as much contradiction and disagreement when people discuss the diagnosis and treatment for cancer or other diseases like Alzheimer’s. With antidepressants, everyone has an opinion and regardless of what side people take, they are all very passionate about what they believe.

The Last Pill

This morning, I took what could be my last dose of Paxil after 10 years. Tomorrow is a new chapter in my life and I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel so unstable right now – unsure of myself. By not taking the pill, I almost feel like I am letting go of all control and simply handing it over to the effects of the Paxil leaving my body. I don’t like giving up control – it scares me.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

My guts say to be strong and suck it up. But my mind and body are not joining the fight. It’s almost like there are two distinct parts of me right now – there’s one part that’s down deep inside – this one knows who he is and desperately wants to get out. And then there’s the other part of me - this one is much stronger right now - and in control. This part of me is filled with so much doubt, fear and sadness that it’s almost debilitating. It’s this part of me that also seems to be doing everything it can to keep the other one locked away.

By not taking Paxil tomorrow morning, I almost feel like I’m giving the side of me that is in control more power. Right now, I need to find a way to let the real me find his way out – or at least get stronger.

Addressing Concerns

I'm getting a lot of emails etc. telling me that what i am doing is wrong and dangerous - I totally understand this. I just hope that people will also realize that to initiate change sometimes people have to suffer. At this point in my experience, I accept the suffering. The information and advice I have received during this process basically illustrates the ignorance and danger associated with SSRIs like Paxil. The way I see it, if my experience can help others and uncover more information about these drugs - then it is worth every zap and every tear - regardless of what happens to me. I feel like I'm just a messenger at this point.

Some have even said that I am being irresponsible with my tapering process by showing that it can be done in a month. That is completely untrue. I am only one month into the process and I know I have a long road ahead of me. Am I trying to be some kind of martyr? No, I'm just a guy who happens to have the ability to tell a story - and a commitment to finding the truth.

The Battle Rages On

I took a few days off from writing and filming to try to regain some normalcy after so much traveling and emotional unrest over the past couple of weeks. Funny thing is, in my condition there is no normalcy – simple things like gathering with friends for dinner becomes extremely difficult. The sound of their voices – happy and excited – trading stories – sounded like grinding metal at an excruciating volume. My wife tells me that my eye brows are so crunched down on my face that I look crazy angry.

Even though most of those around me know what I am doing and that the withdrawal from Paxil can be tough, they still don’t seem to grasp the fact that this is more than a bad mood. I struggle not to make the withdrawal an excuse - so I try my hardest to smile through the intense head ache, ringing in the ears and extreme sensitivity to sound and light. Unfortunately, unless I decide to lay in my bed in darkness all day, I will have to cope with all the intense feelings that want me to lash out and tell everyone to SHUT UP!

Last night, I slept for about 13 hours. I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. My eyes were swollen, my body sore – it wasn’t a good feeling - not like when you’re sixteen and hiding away for hours in your bed is heaven. This feeling was filled with sadness. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to do anything.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Texas.

I am still taking a low dose of Paxil and will be until Wednesday – I’m at the point now that I just want to get it over with. Get this crap out of my body and let me live. I have already given up the past month of my life to Paxil’s stubborn exit. This drug is like a brat that won’t leave without kicking and screaming. I’m sure I’m in for more of the same over the next several months - the fight seems to be getting tougher and tougher - it's like torture, it just keeps wearing me down. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when I think the drug may be winning.

Finding hope

I had rare but very welcome outburst of laughter other day while stuck in traffic in LA. (okay, so you’re probably thinking this guy has truly lost it if he is sitting there giggling like a fool while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic in downtown LA). But seriously, I felt free for a moment – free from all the BS that goes with getting off of Paxil. Sure, my head was still pounding, my ears ringing, I was nauseous and very, very agitated - but sitting there in traffic, for a very brief moment, it all just seemed so ridiculous – that I had to laugh.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Even though the moment was short lived – it felt good – really good. Of course, part of me thinks that it was more than likely just another one of the withdrawal symptoms – but the other part of me – the positive side – thinks that maybe Paxil’s grip on my mood and my mind might actually be letting loose. Whatever the reason and whatever happens, I’ll always remember that moment. For me, that brief moment of laughter now symbolizes hope. And hope is something I desperately need, especially as I sit here writing with tears rolling down my face not knowing if I'll ever be me again.

Dr. Shipko Interview

The past week, I have been very fortunate to get some really good interviews for the film. Last week in Los Angeles, I sat down with Dr. Stuart Shipko. Dr. Shipko shared some insights into the difficulties and dangers associated with stopping antidepressants like Paxil.


Image filmed by Jim Hense.

Amazed and confused

I think I've known Phil for around 10 years and I can tell he's hurting(and not just because he constantly says so), but I can see it in his face.

I've worked with Phil on a lot of projects over the years, but over the past few weeks, as I've followed him around, his behavior is much different than I'm used too...he has always been funny, confident and organized to me...I've not noticed the blunting or other effects of the medication that he has talked about but I've only ever really known him while he has been on the drug...However, I certainly notice a difference now! He's still the Phil I've known but he's much more emotional, a little forgetful, not on top of things like he usually is and just slightly out of control, maybe a little like he is constantly working to stay in control.


Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

In the late 80s I was diagnosed with clinical depression...I was seeing a therapist at the time and was directed to a psychiatrist who gave me a prescription for Prozac. At the time I was struggling in school and fighting bouts of depression. I continued to see a therapist while on Prozac but after almost a year I felt there were no effects and decided to quit cold turkey. I continued to see a therapist(or two) for a few years and finally tapered that off although I have thought of going back several times over the last few years. I can get quite depressed at times but I guess I've always thought that I should get myself out of it, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm quite confused about what depression really is, can it or should it be worked out with a pill, am I supposed to suck it up, is it my responsibility to eat well, exercise, seek therapy then as a last resort go for medication?

Working on this project with Phil certainly has made me think...about the role of pills in our society, about depression as a disease, and about what people are willing to risk for a quick and easy fix.

The Edge of Darkness

Traveling to Los Angeles to conduct interviews was extremely difficult. I think the reduced dose of Paxil has really kicked in – I can’t sleep, my ears are ringing, I’m confused. I find myself driven to tears for little or no reason at all. It’s very difficult to interview someone when your eyes fill with tears.

I also find myself constantly assessing my thoughts. The stories of people who have become violent or committed suicide when trying to get off of these drugs are shocking. Even more shocking is the fact that they probably had no idea what was going on in their minds. In my situation, I am always talking about how I feel and writing about how I feel, so at least there are other people involved that can see and monitor any changes in my mood an attitude that may become a risk. I feel a tremendous amount of empathy for those who never knew what was driving them to mutilate their own bodies and ultimately take their own lives. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens enough not to ignore the risks.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

So, what will tomorrow bring? That is a troubling question for anyone who has taken antidepressants and is trying to stop. You constantly wonder if you will get your mind back under control. I was fine before I started taking Paxil. I suffered from anxiety when I was in uncomfortable situations and felt down sometimes – that’s it! But I could have great times, I could laugh and be creative. I could also feel intense sorrow that was rough but I could always find a way out of it. On the Paxil, I seemed fine – I mean, I felt like I could function and I was not bothered with agitated thoughts or concerns. I just existed – day after day, month after month, year after year. Now that I am trying to stop taking the drug, my mind is racing one minute and almost completely shut down the next. My fears are starting to shift from what tomorrow will bring to what next month will bring or next year. Will I ever completely recover from the effects of this drug on my brain? I know it can’t be healthy to dwell on this and I certainly don’t want to continue to be obsessed with these thoughts, but when you wake up in the morning and hear electrical sounding noises in your head combined with a piercing ringing in the ears and a headache that never subsides, It’s very difficult to think any other way.

Next Step

I spoke with my Doctor yesterday and he suggested that I drop my dose of Paxil again. The current plan is to stay at that dose for two more weeks and then stop completely. I am both excited and apprehensive about getting the drug out of my system. With the way I have been feeling though, I am really starting to wonder if I want to go back to the world I left behind ten years ago when I started taking the antidepressant. My feelings and emotions seem so familiar - the moods, the very low lows, and the irritability – it’s all there – but now I am confused by whether it’s the drug leaving my system or the real me. The one thing I do know for sure is that I have little to no control over what is happening to me - and I don't like that.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

This process has really complicated how I see myself and what defines my personality. If someone asked me to describe the kind of person I am – the only way I could answer that, at this moment, would be to say that I don't know...I have no idea who I really am.

The phenomenon of common experience

Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

For me, talking about my project is easy, I’m passionate about it. What I forget is that I am basically disclosing to everyone that I talk to that I have been on an antidepressant for 10 years. Friends, neighbors, strangers…everyone! And it's not that bad. The thing that really blows me about this disclosure is that other people are sharing their stories with me. Unsolicited. We are creating dialogue about an issue that even I kept secret for all these years. It’s like, “if it’s okay for him to talk about it, maybe I won’t be judged for my experiences with antidepressants.” And rest assured, you won’t – because chances are the person you are talking to – has taken them or is taking them. If they aren’t, their wife, mother, husband, sister or brother are.

I think the more we talk openly about these drugs, the more we will learn and the more we will realize that we share common experiences and symptoms – and that’s valuable information that goes far beyond what we are told by the FDA or the Pharmaceutical companies. Let’s keep talking.

Film Update

Just wanted to let you all know that we have been getting some great interviews for the film. Everyone we have talked to so far has shared detailed information that always seems to send me off exploring other issues that I never even considered.


Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

On Friday, I interviewed a woman that worked as a rep for GlaxoSmithKline for a number of years. As it turns out, she even sold Paxil. I had a lot of preconceived notions about how the interview would go. I never could have guessed how it really turned out. On Friday, I also made calls to both the FDA and GSK to request interviews – I’m not holding my breath – but you never know...

All in all, the momentum and interest in the film has really heated up. As you can probably imagine, this topic is boiling over with extremely strong opinions and beliefs. It’s early, but I really feel like we are on to something bigger than we ever imagined.

The battle has begun...

Quitting Paxil is a bizarre and unpredictable experience that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. At any given moment you may feel like you doing okay and you’re going to make it out of the funk – and the next minute, you feel like you are literally losing your mind. I haven’t felt real emotion in so long that the feelings of irritability and rage scare me (in my world, rage is yelling – not violent rage).

With what’s going on right now, I don’t know how to process what I am thinking or saying. I feel like I am constantly battling with the Paxil for control of my thoughts and emotions – unlike before I started tapering, when the Paxil quietly manipulated my moods.

At this point in the process, I find myself questioning whether I am suffering the symptoms of withdrawal or if the years of Paxil have become deep layers of ice that are slowly and painfully melting away.

I keep thinking – how far can it go? How bad can it really get? Some people say it’s like having the flu… Sure, I’ll agree that some of the shitty feelings remind me of the flu – but at least when I suffered from the flu I knew that I would eventually get better. With Paxil in my system, I have no idea what I will feel like tomorrow – or for that matter, five minutes from now.

Therapy

Since I was somewhat self diagnosed...who am I kidding, the Paxil commercials told me everything I needed to know, right - I was totally self-diagnosed! Anyway, I had never seen a therapist in my life - and to be honest, I wasn't all that thrilled about going to one. But for the project and my well being, I thought it was very important to talk one. There were a couple of reasons; first, I wanted to have the proper support in place for the withdrawal symptoms. And secondly, I wanted to find out why and when I may have developed the anxiety and depression in the first place.


Image filmed by Ryan F. Corcoran.

Through a recommendation, I found a great Psychologist and last week started the process of peeling away the layers to see what's inside. It's a little different for me, but I think in the long run it will help (not to mention, it should make for some good drama on screen!)

Stay tuned.

Doing Okay

Thank you for everyone who has contacted me with concerns for my well-being. I am doing okay - really. The withdrawal is tough, but I have a good group of people around me making sure everything is fine. So, again thanks for the thoughts and kind words - I really appreciate it!

Rough Start

I woke up this morning with undoubtedly the worst headache so far. It’s hard to focus on anything and I have a tough time completing a thought. I am carrying around a little note pad to jot things down so I don’t get so frustrated. My short-term memory is also out of whack, I tell my wife and the guys at work the same thing over and over. Nice.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence.

Marching on to the beat of my heart in my head!

Wednesday I was back at it – making calls and keeping the project moving forward. I think that if I weren’t focusing so intently on the film, I would probably be having a much rougher time dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.

Again, when I get tired in the evenings the symptoms really start to kick in – it probably has to do with the fact that I am trying to relax and not thinking about work.

State of the Mind

I felt pretty good most of the day Tuesday. My head still ached and I had the ringing in my ears, but I was busy enough not to think about it too much. The project is really picking up steam, I have set up a number of interviews that I think are going to turn out to be very important for the project.

Tuesday afternoon, I interviewed Sean, a 24 year-old guy who has struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. It was interesting to hear from someone who is so in touch with what is going on around them. Sean has taken antidepressants since the age of 16.


Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

By Tuesday evening, my adrenaline for the day’s events was wearing off and my headache took over. It was wicked. I have to force myself to try not to let the pain in my head effect my kids. They are just kids who love to play and be loud. And right now, when I say loud, I mean LOUD.

Tuesday night was a rough night – I woke up at 3:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 5:30.

The Michael Browne Interview

The day before Phil interviewed Robert Whitaker, he sat down with Dr. Michael P. Browne, Ph.D., Adjunct Professor at the University of Minnesota. His interview with Dr. Browne was the first step in our research of antidepressants. Phil discussed the Uncomfortably Numb project, and Dr. Browne shared his unique perspective and past research of antidepressants.


Image filmed by Bob Seabold.

My Current Condition

This morning was the first week anniversary of tapering my dose of Paxil. This morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. The ringing in my ears is constant and very difficult to ignore. I have one more week before my dose is cut again - not sure if I'll be ready.


Images filmed by Phil Lawrence

This past Saturday, I felt very sad and also very tired. The headache may have been what caused my bad mood. There has been a ringing in my ears that makes me unsettled. The ringing and headache continued into Sunday, as did my bad mood. I was very short tempered. I'm not sure if it was the anger or the sensitivity, but sounds were making me very uncomfortable and irritable.

Sunday night was tough. I had very vivid dreams - they weren't overly bizarre but they were very disturbing. Some where violent. I went to sleep around 11PM and woke up abruptly at 12:30AM. I was disorientated and afraid to fall back asleep. I finally fell back asleep around 1:30AM. The dreams seemed to continue through the night.

Check out the photo with the post from 9/29 - look at the difference in my face...scary.

The Robert Whitaker Interview

On September 13, Phil flew to Boston to interview Robert Whitaker, author of "Mad in America". Robert, an award-winning science and medicine journalist, discussed psychotropic substances in detail, where depression comes from and how the definition has changed from a scientific story to a marketing story.


Image filmed by Phil Lawrence in Boston, MA.